This may just be me if I looked in a mirror right now!
How many fathers out there feel inadequate in their “providing” for the family? This is something I have struggled with myself for quite a while now. I understand in our generation that many mommies are the larger of the financial providers and in many cases the sole provider, so maybe they understand as well.
I am not sure of where I get my old fashion belief that it is my sole duty to provide everything needed for my family and that my income should be enough to do it all without my wife having to work but I it is how I feel. Growing up in my house for the majority of my youth, my mother’s career provided the stable income and in many cases the only income. My father was often between jobs and in many cases, especially later in his life, he did whatever he had to do to bring home a paycheck. He worked many low level jobs just to have some type of income being brought into the home which I truly respect but he could not be counted on for bringing home a steady check. I guess I am providing my own psychoanalysis here huh?
Early in October, I wrote about being a father that has lost all sense of manhood but I am fine with all of that. As I forge ahead in life, I am truly bothered by not being able to provide enough for my family to have all that it deserves. My kids deserve to go to a good school which we do not have here at the public level so we send 2 of them to private school. My family deserves a big home with a large back yard and a play-set but instead we rent a place in a two-family home. My wife and I deserve to go on vacation without kids (we never had a honeymoon) and we both deserve to buy clothes and other things whenever we want but instead we (meaning the wife and kids) mooch off of family members and spend a week with them just to get out of our home and call it a vacation. My wife deserves to have a husband that provides enough so that she doesn’t have to work on weekends however she does need some time away from the kids as she chooses not to work during the week in order to be with the kids. I deserve to to own a large plasma television with the latest surround sound set-up but instead I have a small LCD T.V. with an old surround sound system. My wife deserves to get her nails done once a week or twice a month (whatever it is that is required) along with the periodic massage, as she used to do before we had kids.
I have a good job and hold a nice position within the company. I earn a decent salary (although I have made less and less over the past 3 years) with health benefits, have a company car, a 401-K, vacation time, unlimited sick time and the flexibility at times to go in late and/or leave early. My wife and kids love me and everyone is healthy. My family is happy for the most part and we are always there for each other. We do not skip or pay our bills late and never wonder if we will have enough money to buy food. I am just a father that thinks his children deserve everything and a husband that feels his wife should want for nothing. So why do I feel like we deserve all of this? I am not sure but I do! I do not understand were my feelings of entitlement come from but I have to do better just to remind myself of what I do have. I see and hear of many people that do not possess a fraction of what we have. As we know, many people are without jobs and cannot afford to see a doctor or do not know where their next meal is coming from.
So who the hell am I to complain?!?!
Ok enough of this crap… Corey (my 3 year old son) is running around wearing a Dorothy costume complete with ruby slippers, Jordan is wearing his Buzz Lightyear costume and Nicky is yelling at both of them! FRIGGIN KIDS!
I really feel that society ~led by the media~ makes us feel we have to possess all these material things to be successful. Its all BS. You have an awesome family. Thats whats important. Very few of us have that. In my opinion America has a gross sense of entitlement. None of us deserve anything. Anything and everything we have is a gift that should be showered with gratitude. Try a new outlook. I hear people say they just want their kids to be happy. Happiness comes and goes. I have 7 kids. They all know that I want them to be hard workers, first and foremost… I dont care what their job is…do it well. The rest will fall into place. Congrats to you, Dad…you have a fan in me and I am certain your wife and kids too!!
Thanks so much Liz for the comment. I appreciate the compliment and I agree with you 100% on the feeling of entitlement. Every once in a while we must put ourselves in check!
First of all, it sounds like you have a great life. I’m in a similar position: own a condo, have a job, wife has a job, healthy kid, pay (most) of our bills on time, etc. Yet I constantly feel like I should be the sole provider, even though my wife makes double my salary and I gave up a potential six-figure sales position in order to do what I love.
But in response to Liz’s comment, how can you blame the media. Full disclosure: I’m a newspaper reporter. But still, the media right now is FULL of stories about how men are taking more of an active role in parenting, even staying at home with the kids to make things work. Blaming the media is a tired, faulty excuse.
But I appreciated the honesty of this post and it hit close to home. Thanks for that.
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I appreciate the comment Aaron! I am glad that you do what you love…not many can say that. My wife is only working part-time now but plans to go back to full-time in a few more years. She is adamant about contributing financially. I guess it is cave man mentality that I possess, feeling that I must provide all. We are happy…that is what matters!
I think that it IS a “cave man” mentality in that it is kind genetically lies within us to “take care of the family.”
My wife has largely been the “breadwinner” and it’s been great, but at times I’ve found myself fighting the urge to feel inadequate about the whole situation.
Hard times though indeed…we lost a combined $60,000 in pay cuts, declared Chapter 13, recently audited by the IRS for $30,000, all which has brought on stress related health problems galore.
At the end of the day though, it always feels like as long as we stick together as a family, nothing else really matters.
Sorry for the wordy comment…
Dave Huffman´s last blog ..Pee in the Park and You’re a Perv, Pee in Your Pants and You Suck: My Ultimate Dilemma
Comments are never to wordy and I appreciate the time you took to comment! Hang in there. As I say to my wife, “It cannot get any worse!”.
Mike. Thank you for writing this. I’m glad to read a man’s perspective on this. We struggle with making ends meet, have to be very frugal and creative, and yet I know we have so much more than so many others. I wish for more money and more stability, but I never have to wish for more love. And for that I am grateful. Very very grateful.
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Thanks for the comment Jen! I agree, the other stuff is nice but the love of my family is great!…..just don’t tell my wife that!
I appreciate this perspective as well, but I think you should count your blessings. I’m the head of household and provider for a single parent family, and part of the great laid off “masses.” It’s all a matter of perspective.
Whatever the provider balance is in each family, the key is providing. When you’ve spent a lifetime able to do so, and then cannot, it doesn’t matter what gender you are, it’s debilitating to self-esteem, not to mention destabilizing for every dream you hold as caretaker for your children.
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We live in a patriarchal society. ‘Nuff said.
You’re doing a fine job.
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Thanks! I do appreciate it. I hope my kids say that later in life.