Comments (2)

By Real Dad, June 4, 2010 8:50 pm

If you are someone that reads my blog or follows me on Twitter, you know that there isn’t much that I don’t or wouldn’t talk about or make fun of. I have a sick sense of humor and I pretty much crack jokes on everything. I will make fun of religion, race, death, sex and whatever else it is that pops into my head.  However today while making a quick stop at the grocery store, I overheard a guy crack a joke about a kid maybe 1 year old or so and it just pissed me off.

There was a little boy sitting in a carriage being pushed by a woman I assumed was his mother. The boy was wearing a helmet on his head. The helmet only went around the sides of his head, leaving the crown on his head exposed.  I continued about my business and a few isles over, I saw this boy and his mom again. As I walked past them, I stopped in front of a young couple to reach for a bag of sugar. I heard the young guy say to the woman he was with “Wow that kid must be one hell of a retard that he has to wear a hockey helmet”.  At first I completely ignored the comment and started to walk down the isle but something told me to stop and say something.  I turned to the guy and nicely told him that the kid is wearing the helmet which is actually called a cranial orthotic because his skull is deformed.  I then told him that he shouldn’t be an asshole and call a little boy a retard and I walked away.

How did I know why this boy was wearing a helmet? You guessed it; one of my kids had Plagiocephaly, aka Flat Head Syndrome and had to wear a similar helmet. My son Nicky had a head that belonged on a Drac from the movie Enemy Mine (go look that up) because my wife was in labor for 20+ hours, pushed for 3 hours and the doctor used

Yeah...he was cute!

the suction device to pull him out. It really was awful. His head was long, shaped like an egg with a purple nub on top. My mother-in-law was in the delivery room with us and she immediately asked the nurses to put a hat on him, not because he may have been cold but to hide the shape of his head.  The doctor told us that if we rotated his head position when he slept that the head would correct itself. We positioned him on different sides for every sleep he had but he always rolled onto his back. We purchased every kind of prop, pillow, insert and lining we could find to keep him from rolling on his back and none of them worked. Before we knew it, his head was completely flat in the back and the sides of his head were overhanging his ears!

After seeing the Pediatrician and a specialist, we learned that he had to get fitted for the cranial orthotic (helmet). This helmet would lightly put pressure on certain parts of the skull while not putting any pressure on the flat parts. This would allow the skull to reshape itself over the course of a few months.  My son had to wear the helmet 23 hours per day for approximately 4 months. During this time my wife had to bring him for follow-up visits to measure the growth of the skull every week or two. The helmet didn’t cause him any pain at all but it did take him several days to get used to it. Once it came off, his head was shaped perfectly.

I wasn’t annoyed with this asshole in the supermarket because my son had the same condition. I was annoyed just because he was an asshole.  I cracked jokes about my son’s head and/or the helmet during the entire time he was being treated but I never made fun of someone else’s kid. Regardless of the situation, it is never the kid’s fault.  I will

It also acted as a built-in safety device

make fun of anything but kids with physical or mental disabilities/disorders is where I draw the line (except my own of course).

Please do a favor for me? Don’t be the asshole in the supermarket and watch what you say because someone like me may overhear you!

Comments (9)

By Real Dad, May 22, 2010 9:54 pm

I know that when you saw the title of this post you asked yourself “What the hell is he talking about?”. I am not sure why but lately I have been thinking that vagina is the root of all that is good and evil in the world. It is even directly or indirectly related to the most mundane things. I have been tossing this idea around in my head for days and I felt like spewing it out in print. Why…because I can…it’s my blog!! Below you will find the reasoning for my hypothesis.

• Life – not possible without vagina
• Original Sin – Eve ate the apple…YUP…..Eve had a vagina
• Nuclear Weapons – created by men…..that probably couldn’t get vagina
• Love – an emotion created by vagina and faked by men to get vagina
• Alcohol – used by men to get…you guessed it….vagina
• Drugs – could go the way of nuclear weapons or alcohol but either way….vagina
• Money – wow this is a biggie. Created by men to attract vagina and used by vagina to lure men (evil at its purest form)
• Happiness – felt by men after seeing or getting vagina
• Sadness – of course felt my men when they do not get vagina
• Disease – natures way of punishing people that for the most part come out of vaginas
• Natural disasters – Mother Earth’s way of letting us know she is scorn….oh yeah vagina
• Marriage – an ancient ritual to secure vagina……. for life
• Divorce – a modern practice used to trade-in vagina
• Serial Killers – usually the result of men repulsed by vagina
• Bar Fights – usually started over vagina (could be in an attempt to get vagina or in an effort to protect vagina already thought to have been secured)
• Automobiles – used to impress and drive to a place where there is vagina
• Work – an activity in which we earn money and we know from above what we do with money…vagina
• Television – created to broadcast various images including…..vagina
• The internet –  most common use….to view vagina (in still and video form)
• Music – to impress vagina
• Gynecology – a medical specialty for vaginas
• The printing press – created to communicate information to the masses but quickly used to print stories and pictures of vagina (seriously research it yourself)

I can go on and on but I think I proved my point. At first I started thinking of all of the evil things behind vagina. I mean if you think about it, it is the most dangerous thing known to man. However on the other hand, many great things were created and/or used with vagina in mind.

There is a game called “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon”. This game is played by naming a movie actor or actress and then linking them to Kevin Bacon. The goal is to name a few as possible without going over a total of 6 other people. I am willing to bet that I can do the same with vagina but in as little as 3. It is clear; everything is everything because of vagina! BTW – I said vagina or vaginas 34 times! Thanks to vagina (now 35) for this post!

Comments (5)

By Real Dad, May 2, 2010 8:40 pm

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately on ways to improve my life, thus my family’s lives. If you have visited my blog before then you know I have a fourth kid on the way (Introducing #4) and I am struggling with some big decisions and some negative feelings. Knowing all that we are facing in this house, I have been going crazy thinking of little things that would improve my daily quality of life. There are many things that cross my mind throughout the day and if only I was creative and determined, I would try to produce some the prototypes. Here are some of my thoughts.

• Fingerprintless glass
• Walls that shock kids that attempt to draw or write on them
• A refrigerator that punches kids when they open it
• A remote control that works on kids
• Carpeting that actually repels stains
• Toilets that throw whatever it is the kids threw in back in their faces

Great School!

• Bathroom floors that have a French-drain
• Self-cleaning asses – yeah that’s right…asses that clean themselves…
• Noise canceling paint
• Kid’s movies that can only be played 5 times
• Toys that don’t break
• A wife that doesn’t nag – yes….purposely buried in the middle of the list
• A wife that doesn’t complain – yes again buried
• Family that isn’t a pain in the ass
• Food that doesn’t leave crumbs
• Liquids that turn solid if they don’t go directly from cup to mouth
• Candy that makes kids sleepy and/or calm
• Mini-vans with sound proofed partitions
• Child restraints that would not cause immediate incarceration if used
• A law should exist for when kids cause parents enough frustration, the parents would be allowed to leave without fear  of criminal charges or public scrutiny
• A house full of Sandra Bullock, Diane Lane, Halle Berry, Shakira and Nancy Pelosi

The above list is what I can remember but as you can see, I am full of friggin genius. Imagine the possibilities! If you have the money and resources to produce a prototype, be my guest. I will take a percentage as the idea man!

Comments (11)

By Real Dad, April 21, 2010 9:56 pm

I felt it time to do my first review. I toiled long and hard over what to review and fatherhood was the only thing I could come up with. Fatherhood may not be something I am good at but I have a lot of experience with 3 kids and 1 on the way. I affectionately refer to the number of kids as 3.7 as my wife is due in July.

Fatherhood began for me a little over 7 years ago when my wife told me she was pregnant. I was very excited and a little nervous while my wife as very nervous and a little excited. I made it a point to be at every doctor visit and I mean every visit! I thought it would be amazing and wonderful to have a little me or little wife running around. When delivery day came, I was nervous as could be and my wife’s labor and delivery was brutal. I think it totaled 25 hours or so. I should have known then what was in my future!

I found fatherhood to consist of the following:

• Your life is no longer your own
• Your life will never be the same
• Cleaning the dirty ass of another human being
• Getting baby shit under your fingernails
• Getting pissed on
• Talking like an idiot to a baby that doesn’t understand you regardless of how you talk
• Making a multitude of additional trips to the store for various baby items
• Being amazed at every “first” of your new baby
• Bragging to anyone that makes believe they are listening about how amazing your son is
• Getting the daily run-down from your wife when you get home from work
• Always worrying if your baby farts and shits regularly (yes it’s a Daddy thing)
• Wondering where your wife went
• Remembering  the days of constant sex
• Daydreaming of the day you may have sex again
• Trying to figure out why the baby is crying
• Running to the hospital when your son tumbles down 13 stairs (hey it only happened once)
• Not going out with the wife and/or friends like you used to
• Having another kid
• Thinking “What the hell is wrong with us?”
• Not being as excited about the “firsts” as you were for the first
• Feeding and clothing another person
• Thinking “I hope my wife leaves me alone today”
• Saying the diapers can be re-used because you don’t want to run to the store
• Asking if the kids really require food
• Watching the savings account you complied for a house dwindle away
• Not going out without at least one kid on your hip except to work
• Not immediately running to the crying 2^nd child as you did the first
• Watching the medical bills pile up
• Getting sick when prior to kids you weren’t sick for over 10 years
• Another friggin kid!
• Not caring if the kid farts or shits regularly
• What? Are there kids crying somewhere???
• Food….there better be enough for me
• Saying: “Damn, I am sorry babe but I have to work late”
• Telling the wife: “I know he is only 3 weeks old but he can feed himself if we teach him”
• Figuring out which kid doesn’t get attention today?
• Asking: “Do they really have to go to the doctor?”
• Hoping the kids doesn’t walk as it is one less thing to worry about
• Praying that the kid doesn’t talk as there is more than enough noise in the house
• Looking for the money you HAD in the savings account last year
• Having a wife that is losing her mind after being trapped in a small apartment with 3 little kids all day
• Sending your 2 oldest (which are only 6 and 4) to a private school because the public schools here blow
• Wondering how are we sending these kids to private school when we have NO MONEY
• Knowing the 3^rd kid will not go to private school
• Hoping the wife doesn’t talk to me
• Hoping the kids forget that I am their father
• ANOTHER FRIGGIN KID IS ON THE WAY????????!!!!!!????

HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That my friends…..is FATHERHOOD!

…….and I wouldn’t change a friggin thing!

I love them with all of my heart!

Comments (8)

By Real Dad, April 20, 2010 10:11 pm

My new friend Catherine over at Wink at Me honored me today by listing me as one of her favorite bloggers. However because she lost her virginity today, she passed on the illness to several other bloggers including me. She must have regret as only a woman scorn would make others pay for her transgressions! All kidding aside, I am honored and I thank you very much Catherine.

Now I must list 10 things that make me happy:

1. Money – because I have none
2. My family – my wife may read this and she will understand why family is #2
3. Cats that have a low body temperature – you figure it out
4. Music
5. My couch
6. Opie and Anthony – on XM 202
7. My BlackBerry – Yeah I am one of them
8. Fruity Pebbles – self-explanatory
9. My blog – gives me a place to spew
10. Roomy underwear – just because

I also think I am supposed to insert the picture below (I am secure in my manhood and have 3.7 kids so nothing can hurt me):

Look how pretty!

Next I have to present this award to other bloggers I enjoy (there are many but here is a short list):

• Wink at Me – My new fav
• Dad Unmasked – sorry dude but I do enjoy your blog and tweets
• Oh For Pete’s Sake – when she isn’t working 40 jobs and she is blogging she is awesome
• Why is Daddy Crying – just one of the best titles ever (fucker I wish I thought of it!)
• The Cheek of God – he is just sick
• Big Jugs – just dreaming

Now all of my favorites have just been awarded and are required to do the same. Shit…..if I have the STD….you do too!

Sorry…..not really

Comments (4)

By Real Dad, April 16, 2010 9:59 pm

We have all had this happen to us. You remember something being the most amazing thing when you were a kid. It could be a movie, a video game, a certain food, woman, band, song or person. I have grown accustomed to being disappointed by these same things later in life.  I have compiled some of the things I have been disappointed with as an “adult”:

• Old E (Old English 800)
• Tight Blue Jeans
• Mullets
• Nerds Candy
• Vinyl Records
• Lava Lamps
• Nintendo Games

In some form or fashion I really enjoyed these things as a kid or teenager but as an adult…..not so much. I don’t know what it was and what it is now but I have been disappointed time and time again when I tried to “recapture” some part of my youth.

My latest disappointment hit me harder than the rest. Recently I was browsing around on the web for music videos. I must back track a bit and say that having an older brother that was a head-banger left me no choice but to join the movement. As a kid and adult for that matter, I prefer some pretty intense music, the harder and heavier the better.  So while searching online for various music videos I came across some stuff on I guy/group I liked as a teenager.  In the mid-80’s nothing was more evil than this guy, King Diamond of the group Mercyful Fate. Kind Diamond was a

The Coolness I Remember

self-pronounced Satanist (no I do not worship the devil) and he had a vocal range that amazed me. His face was painted black and white with an upside down cross on his forehead. It was intense and I actually liked the music. As a kid of around 12 or 13 I couldn’t look at his face on the album cover as it would keep me up at night but I liked the music! I still like the music to be

A Special Holiday Record

honest. Anyway, this guy was the personification of evil and I thought it was cool to like him (I still like him but that is not the point). I was having all kinds of flashbacks as I watched YouTube videos of him and Mercyful Fate. I decided to search the web to see what he has been up to and disappointment struck!

I learned that Kind Diamond’s real name is Kim Bendix Petersen! Kim?….the son of Satan is “KIM “? Man what a blow. I continue reading and learn that he is now 55 years old and living in Texas! Originally from Denmark, he moved to Texas years ago. That in and of itself isn’t bad but being from northern Europe was part of the mystic because a lot of “Black Metal” bands came from Denmark, Holland and such. Now that I learned that the son of Satan has a girly name, I

An Average-Joe with Long Hair

begin to look for current pictures and find many of him without make-up and costume. Another disappointment because he doesn’t even have the evil tattoos…..not a single tattoo of any kind. WTF!! How much more can I take? I pressed on. The last blow to the head was learning that he is non-denominational! He doesn’t even believe in Satanism, Catholicism, Judaism or any organized religion. Holy shit……I was crushed. I knew his stage act was hokey and all but I really believed that he sang about things he believed in. Instead I learned that little stupid turds like me bought it, hook, line and sinker. Bastard!

Now that I learned the truth, I am just making believe that I never read and saw what I did. Instead I am thinking like I did at 14 and he is the most evil son of Satan I ever saw. Long live the King!….and don’t worry about my soul because my kids go to Catholic School and my wife and son attend mass every week so I go to heaven by proxy!

Comments (8)

By Real Dad, April 12, 2010 10:07 pm

I want to start off by saying that if this post goes down as my legacy I would die a happy man.

This post has been long in the making. Every time I go into the bathroom to do my thing, I am fearful of what I may encounter or what others may encounter after I leave but that isn’t really the point. This fear carries over into every

A real man's worst fear!

restroom, lavatory, Johnny on the Spot, locker room or rest stop I may enter. The fear of soft toilet paper gives me such anxiety that I cannot properly enjoy the relief I am about to feel. You see, no man alive should be forced to use soft toilet paper.

I want to start a movement. A movement that will force all toilet paper retailers to place soft toilet paper in the same isle as tampons and feminine napkins (see I do have class!). Why do I feel this way you may ask? Because I (all men) have “HMA” or Hairy Man Ass and soft toilet paper and HMA do not mix well together. Women on the other hand do not suffer from HMA because they have SSWA or Soft Supple Woman ASS. This is why soft toilet paper should ONLY be offered in the same isle with all of their other sanitary needs (see classy again). It makes sense. An entire isle is dedicated to women in every supermarket, super retailer or large drug store but they are incomplete. They are missing the soft toilet paper selection! Why does it take me to figure this out? Don’t these companies have people to think about this shit?

When a man uses soft toilet paper things get left behind. I call these things a variety of names including the following:

• Cling-ons (my favorite)
• DB’s (DingleBerries)
  

  That is more like it!

• Crunch and Munch
• Butt Dumplings
• Butt Fruit
• Raisinettes
• Wrecking Balls
• Left-Overs (another favorite of mine)

Who the hell wants that? Look, I am all for hygiene and comfort but if my wife doesn’t stop buying the soft stuff there will be problems. My house currently has 2 men in training with a 3^rd rumored to be along the way. My hope is that they will experience a world in which only hard, rough and

I have shaved my ass once or twice but the razor burn was too much

non-shredding toilet paper graces the crappers they visit. I wouldn’t mind a loose-leaf notebook left next to every toilet or a roll of industrial/commercial grade toilet paper or the thin paper stuff in the fast food joints or even paper towels. In any case, the soft stuff sucks!

I want to start the revolution…..”No more Cling-ons”. I do want to state for the record that we cannot get rid of the wet wipes as nothing cleans better than those!

Are you with me?

Comments (8)

By Real Dad, April 11, 2010 8:04 am

I have to admit that I thought I would be up to writing and posting more than I have been but I’m not so go screw! Kidding of course.  A lot has happened since my last post but nothing worthwhile that would get me off of my lazy ass to write about so I’ll digress.

However I did return myself to Twitter. I see it like this: so many of us work and have family that socializing in person has grown to be a burden whether it be financially or mentally. I haven’t really spoken to my friends in years. Once I got married and started creating little lives with my wife, I have no extra time or desire to actually go out or invite people over for that matter.  For me, socializing online is good enough.  I enjoy seeing other parents tweeting the same thoughts and feelings I have, whether good or bad.  I have developed some “relationships” with some fellow Tweeps and look forward to seeing what they are up to on a daily basis. Maybe I relate to them, think they are a pisser or both.  Either way socializing online is fun, passes time and diverts me temporarily from the craziness of life.

Now all of the people I developed “relationships” with online could all be serial killers, social deviants, misfits, heads of a satanic cult (if you are let me know as I am certain I have good music on hand to play in the back-round of your next

I think I know that Tweep!

sacrifice), creepy guy or creepy chick, part of the plot to socialize America, part of the right-wing movement to lessen government (see how I played both sides of the fence there?), pyromaniacs, cat ladies, obsessed with porn guy (maybe that should be removed) or maybe the slight chance that you are all decent people…but I doubt that!

I felt the desire to write something and this is what I came up with so take it and like itJ. As I say at work: “A big ship turns slowly” or “Something this big takes time to build up momentum”. None of this means anything but I will try to start posting more often.

Cool tweeps to follow on Twitter and their blogs (if they have one):

@ezmomm – blog: “Oh For Pete’s Sake!!”

This image is better than the creepy Pied Piper with mice or kids following!

@ladywanderlust – blog: “A Blogoddess’ Tale”

@dadunmasked – blog: “dad unmasked”

@lilmommasmom – blog: “Worldofmomma”  - BTW get on her ass to write more

@tysdaddy – blog: “The Cheek of God”

@droofer

@rammer88

@havingtwinsnow – blog:”Having Twins Now”

@whyisdaddycrying  –  blog:”Why is Daddy Crying?”

Look if I follow them there is something cool about them so check out their stuff and all of the other tweeps I follow too!

I am also working hard in the Real Dads Lab to develop a platform in which I can socialize with my family without

Where the magic happens

really being there. The look and feel of my presence while I am actually living in a shack in the wilderness of Montana or Wyoming all by myself (I know that sounds familiar but I am not an evil genius…genius yes….evil…well maybe a little). Until then I am wiring my house with LCD monitors and looking for the perfect portable unit for my family, this way I can Skype them while I hide in a box on a street corner…again all by myself!

Comments (1)

By Real Dad, February 25, 2010 10:53 pm

I must start by saying that I feel awful that Dawn Brancheau, a veteran animal trainer, died while performing at SeaWorld with the Killer Whale named Tilikum. As most of us know, this happened at a show being performed in front of hundreds if not thousands of people. SeaWorld is now saying that Dawn’s long pony-tail got stuck in the mouth of Tilikum and the whale dragged her underwater accidentally.  Eyewitness reports claimed that the Killer Whale seemed agitated the entire show and once in its grasp, Dawn was thrashed about and pulled under water.

A Killer Whale can weigh up to 22,000lbs and measure as much as 32 feet long. This whale is a top tier predator! Tilikum weighs 12,000lbs and has caused two deaths previous to this. There was/is a standing order by SeaWorld that the trainers cannot be in the water with Tilikum due to its past track record. Why the hell would they continue to use this predator in shows? It makes no sense. Tilikum was one of three whales blamed in the death of a woman in 1991 when she fell into the water and another death in 1999 that was the result of “horseplay”.

Does anyone remember the two big cases in which chimpanzees attacked people? In 2005 Moe the Chimp attacked its previous owners with the help of other chimps. These chimps mutilated Mr. St. James Davies, chewed off his face, foot, fingers and genitals. He survived but is of course seriously disfigured. Most recently, the case of Charla Nash of Connecticut made headlines in 2009. While visiting her friend and a pet chimp named Travis, Charla was attacked and suffered similar injuries to Mr. Davies. This case really struck a chord when the 911 tapes hit the media. Travis’ owner was telling the 911 operator that Travis was killing her friend and eating her. Late last year Ms. Nash went on the Oprah Winfrey Show and revealed her mutilated face.

I am not an “animal rights” activist or anything or the sort. I eat meat, wear leather (don’t ask but only on special occasions), would buy my wife fur, if I had the money, and view animals as a valuable resource, if it provides us with something. However keeping wild killer animals as pets or show performers is just ridiculous to me. Case after case of animal attacks are seen (there is even a show “When Animals Attach”), heard, read in the news, and people just don’t get it. These animals do not belong in our homes or in cages/pens/aquariums for public spectacle. I feel bad for these people but do we actually expect anything less than people getting mauled? I drives me crazy when people act surprised when it happens. Trust me, I will never have a pet that can kick my ass never-mind eat me! Why does this not cross the minds of certain people? Is it the thrill? I don’t know. What I do know is that Tilikum, Moe, Travis and many others have either killed and/or severely injured people and something like this will happen again, sooner rather than later.

Comments (4)

By Real Dad, February 21, 2010 10:06 pm

Recently my mother gave me a newspaper clipping from when I was in the first grade. The picture is of me, painting a pumpkin with my teacher. I remember when I came across this picture a few years ago and my father told me a story but I will get to that in a minute.

I feel the need to tell all of you that I was not the most well behaved child. I wasn’t necessarily a bad kid but I challenged everything my parents said or did. If they put me in my room and told me not to come out, I would stand at the threshold and yell the following: “I am in my room….I am in my room”. My Aunt and Uncle tell stories of me getting yelled at and told to go upstairs (which meant my room) but I would lie at the top of the stairs on my stomach and watch everyone through the stair railing. When I got soap in my mouth I would of course cry but when it was said and done I would say that I liked the taste of soap. You kind of get the point by now….right?

Come on...you can figure it out

Ok, so while I was in the first grade I talked a lot. I remember writing “I will not talk in class” over and over again but it didn’t work. I also remember not stopping when I was told to stop. So when my father told this story, I didn’t doubt it one bit. He told me that I was always in trouble with Miss Brown. My parents were told that I was placed in time-out very often. It got to be so much that my parents (maybe just my mother) were called into class to meet with Miss Brown. After they learned of all of the things I did to earn time out, Miss Brown told them that time-out was under her desk. Under her desk…kind of an odd place even by 1981 standards. Miss Brown proceeded to tell my parents that she thinks that I liked time-out because she caught me looking up her skirt. That’s right! I was catching a peek at the earth momma muff of my first grade teacher. I couldn’t believe it when I was told. I remember being under the desk but not that often. I do remember seeing what I thought was Jiffy Pop in my teacher’s underwear but I am unsure why. However when I look at the picture of my teacher, it all makes sense. She was hot and I knew it even way back then.
The sad part for me is that I was as old as my son Nicky is now. I cannot imagine him getting in trouble just to look up his teacher’s skirt. I don’t remember being such a pervert then but I guess it starts at an early age. I just cannot see my son acting like that.

I broke the man code by telling you what it means when a man asks another man “Would you?” so don’t be surprised at this. I purposely acted out just to sneak a peek. Even today, as an “adult”, I do things with the hope that it will result in something sexual and I get rewarded often. The 3 kids with 1 on the way are testimony to that.

Maybe I should request a new reward…….

Planning my next move......