I know you would!

A Conundrum

Recently on my favorite radio show, Opie and Anthony, they were discussing this topic and it made think. So I figured I would present this to you as well! Below you will see a picture of a man and woman. If I asked the men which one do you find attractive out of the two, …

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My photo shoot is tomorrow

I am Perimenopausal!

A few nights ago I was doing as I normally do, surfing the web. I don’t remember which site I was on (no it wasn’t porn…just making that clear) but I got a pop-up asking me to take a medical survey. Now I would normally just close the pop-up and continue with my business but …

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Sometimes Kids Say All of the Right Things

We all know kids have a way with speaking to each other and their parents and in my case, due to the closeness in age of my kids, it usually is not pleasant. The kids yell and scream at each other, fight over the silliest things and just get on the nerves of each other …

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Salvia - Sold Online to Kids Everywhere

Salvia – That is Some Crazy Shit

Recently I went on a little stint watching videos of kids smoking Salvia. For those that do not know what Salvia is (like me before researching) it is a variety of plants in the mint family (also called sage). The particular plant smoked by kids is usually Salvia Divinorum. Within seconds of smoking Salvia, the …

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Ask Real Dad

Advice Connoisseur

There comes a time in everybody’s life in which you hope to find a purpose. Recently a purpose arose for me….advisor! That’s right, I am giving advice at my new site “Ask Real Dad“. You might be asking yourself something of the sort: “What the hell does a poor married, out-of-shape,  father of 4 with …

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A ConundrumI am Perimenopausal!Sometimes Kids Say All of the Right ThingsSalvia – That is Some Crazy ShitAdvice Connoisseur

Feb 27

Where Has the Time Gone?

Categories:

Corey, Jordan-Rose, Nicholas, Ryan

by Real Dad

It came to my attention recently that I have not posted since school started….wow! Where does the time go? I know where…to 4 kids and work, that’s where!

Ok so the holidays passed, the winter is almost over and I got nothing new. #4 (Ryan) is doing great. He is the absolute best baby. He doesn’t cry much and isn’t a pain in the ass. He is as handsome as his dad and even slightly cooler. He just cut 4 teeth so that was a little rocky but he pulled through without being too much of a pain in the ass. The other kids are all great…I guess. Nicky and Jordan-Rose are doing good in school and Corey beats to his own drum however he cracks me up just as much as he annoys me.

My Dad is busy...problem?

I am eating healthy and in doing so lost 22lbs over the last 3 or 4 weeks. How the hell did I get to be a ginormous mess? Oh yeah…you already read the paragraphs above. I have learned to drink my coffee black, eat more fiber than one should naturally endure and not put salt on everything I eat. I have also learned that Bloody Marys are a great drink for those trying to be healthy. V8 juice with vodka which is a no or low carb alcohol…. it is perfect!

I seriously think I need to get back to this blog as the world needs more of me in it. I know I said it before but this time I mean it a little bit more then the last time! Cheers!

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2 comments

Oct 02

Back to School:Bring On the Germs

Categories:

Fatherhood, The Family

by Real Dad

It has only been about 3 weeks since my two older kids went back to school and already we (everyone but the baby) have had a stomach flu which finally seems to have run its course and now my 5yo and the baby have some kind of cold or something. It is truly amazing…..we didn’t have one illness all summer and within a week of returning to school, my daughter comes home with a stomach virus. By the third day (3 counting from the first vomit) the next one got the bug and it continued until it hit the wife for a second time a few days ago. If you are a parent then you know the fun we had here. Cleaning puke from:

  • The bathroom floor
  • The toiler
  • The floors leading into the bathroom
  • Clothing
  • Beds
  • Bedroom floors

If that isn’t fun……I don’t know what is!

Now the stomach flu seems to have vacated my home only to make room for a cold. My daughter (5yo) came home with the sniffles and a cough a few days ago and today the baby is snorting, grunting and trying to cough. Since we are professionals at this (just read a previous post of mine “Fatherhood Means Someone is Always Sick!“) I am ready to rock; I got my aspirator (snot sucker) ready. Just to let you know, I had to stop in the middle of this post to help my wife with the baby. His nose is so stuffed that we had put him in the steamed bathroom, then spray saline up his nose, run a vaporizer in the room and get the nebulizer at the ready. Didn’t I tell you we were professionals?

This or the Shop-Vac?

Do you want to know what really stands out in my mind when it comes to my kids and being sick? We called the pediatrician so much with the 1st baby and not as much but enough with the 2nd baby, that the Doctor probably knew when his phone rang that it was Real Dad or his wife calling. Now after having a 4th……the kids are lucky if we ran them to the hospital if their eye ball was hanging out because we can probably fix it with some Benedryl, Motrin and duct-tape.

Make what you have work for you

I feel bad for the baby though. He can’t tell us what is wrong, can’t blow his nose or cough hard enough to clear his throat. We just have to keep an eye on him to make sure his lungs don’t get congested, as we went through that often enough with #3.

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6 comments

Sep 04

It Has Been A While

Categories:

The Family

by Real Dad

I cannot believe that the last time I posted was June 27th! As many of you may know because you are my Twitter Buds, the wife had #4 on July 9th. Ryan Michael was born without any complications but his arrival certainly made life a

Little...ain't he?

little crazy around here. To all of those people that said/asked “What more will one more really add to your day?” or the simplified “What’s one more….right?”…….KISS MY ASS! Ok I will admit that we had a lot of help and still do but in order to make life as easy as possible my wife choose to sleep in the living room on the couch next to the bassinet. This would allow her to easily roll over, tend to the baby, change him and get his bottle ready without the rest of the house hearing him and/or her. I am lucky because she did the same thing with the previous 3 kids. In order to make her mornings easier, we allowed the other 3 kids to stay up later in hopes that they wouldn’t get up as early. This meant putting the kids in bed at 9:00 rather than 7:00 which we did previous to July 9th. Luckily it worked! The kids slept until 8:00am or later.

So the wife battled with the baby and 3 other kids and I worked 11 or so hours a day, not including my 2 hours of drive time. When I got home I would play or help with the big kids and when they went to bed I would spend time with the baby and eventually pass out for the night. It was a little crazy. Neither of us knew if we were coming or going. Work is still insane as Bedbugs (my informative post) are really hitting us hard. I am not sure how it is throughout the rest of the country but here in the NY area, stores, hotels and theaters are being shut-down due to Bedbug infestations. My fat-ass even appeared in a news segment (I would post the vid but I look like an asshole because I was wearing very large shoe covers and was sweating my ass off since it was 98 outside that day and we stood in the sun for an hour prior to shooting) due to the increase of infestations. This problem is not only keeping me busy at work but as home as well because I have developed an inexpensive but effective Bedbug Monitor (trap) and I am in the process of trying to come up with the funds to have a patent attorney investigate whether or not I can patent the concept. I have also been working on a related site in which I can provide accurate and honest information without instilling fear into to people and I also hope to sell these traps online or license the products to a large manufacturer/retailer once I figure out the patent thing!

Ryan is finally sleeping through the night. For the last week he has slept almost the whole night through, if not the entire night. This is of course good for the wife which in turn has beneficial effects on me. He is a good baby and doesn’t cry much for the most part and the other kids are fairly good with him. I hope things stay on the improving path and I can once again begin my domination of the online world!

At least you can see the handle of the baby's car seat on the left!

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4 comments

Jun 27

Preparing for the New Arrival

Categories:

Corey, Fatherhood, Jordan-Rose, Nicholas, The Family

by Real Dad

We are only 2 weeks away from the new arrival to our family and we have finally begun to act like a baby is on its way. The last few days have been busy and actually included some preparation for the baby. I washed a stroller that has basically been sitting in a garage for 6 years. This stroller was given to us when Nicky was born and was only used for him because we purchased a tandem stroller when Jordan was born. The tandem stroller came in handy again 1 year later when Corey was born (yeah yeah I know). I also washed 2 Pack-N-Plays, 1 is ours (one of the few things I didn’t throw away after Corey was born) and the other was given to us. We are keeping the 1 in better condition. Now we just have to start washing all of the baby clothes that were given to us. Not that we don’t trust that they were washed before they were given to us but you would wash them too, even if it were family that gave them to you (sorry everyone).

The wife has also been trying to get our kids to be a little more independent. You see, the wife has had a little issue with doing too much for the kids and with the kids. By this I mean she is the one that cleans the mess in their rooms or any room for that matter, after they are done playing. She will pick up the kids clothes after they throw them on the floor. She will cater to every whim and just spoil them rotten. She also spends almost every moment of the day

So proud the she made her bed

with them, occupying them rather than letting them occupy themselves. I am not saying that as parents we shouldn’t do anything other then this but I think that kids should be taught responsibility and a little independence and at an early age. I think she now sees that her life at home will be easier if she makes it easier rather than more difficult. If you want to find out how I would do it just ready my post entitled Introducing #4. I still am trying to figure a way to do everything I said! Anyway, I see the difference in the kids and they are actually starting to respect each other and their belongings. This has also been an issue but I will save that for a future post.

I actually had to stop writing several times as we made our 3rd attempt at letting Jordan sleep in the boy’s room as a special treat. The first attempt didn’t go well

Just a goofball

so we broke up the party. Attempt #2 faired a little better and we didn’t separate them but tonight they just got out of hand so I just sent Jordan to her own room.

The wife is hoping not to go early or at least before July 4th. She wants to make one last trip to visit her family before the

I didn't document the bed but I got this!

new one arrives. As of the last visit to the doctor, she isn’t dilated so he will check her again later this week. If she is dilated, he will recommend that we don’t make the small road trip. I mean after all, since this is #4, I expect labor to be short and for this baby to just pop out like a fart. Maybe that is just wishful thinking because I never heard the wife fart (in her sleep doesn’t count).

Ok I am off to eat the cherry pie I just baked. That is right….I made cherry pie since my friend couldn’t make it to a bar for a few beers with me. I also cooked dinner. Pretty big disparity there but I don’t give a shit. I was listening to Slipknot while I did both so it cancels out!

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8 comments

Jun 14

A Letter from an Attorney

Categories:

The Family

by Real Dad

Last week I received a call from the wife while I was at work. In her message she told me that I received a certified letter and had to go to the post office to retrieve it.  I didn’t think much of it and certainly didn’t rush to the Post Office to get it. Finally after two (2) days of the wife busting my stones, I left work early enough to make it to the post office. The letter was from an attorney’s office in Knoxville, Tennessee. I came home and put the letter on top of the refrigerator thinking it couldn’t be a good thing, so why open it?

Later that night my wife yells my name and tells me to hurry into the kitchen. She was reading the letter. In short the letter told me that I was left $750,000 by a relative of my late father. This money was meant for him when this

It is raining money!!

relative died but since my father died first, the money goes to me. I never heard of this relative but my father wasn’t close with his family and only talked about a handful of them. My heart was pounding so hard but my wife didn’t believe it for one moment because I have two brothers and there was no mention of either of them. I immediately called my mother to ask about this relative and she told me that she vaguely remembered someone by that name but wasn’t sure. I immediately visited the website of the law firm. It seemed legit and they have been in business for 100 years or some shit. I then performed an internet search for law firms in Knoxville and this firm ranked 1st. HOLY SHIT!

In the morning I called the firm, as they asked me to do in the letter and I asked for the attorney that sent the letter. I left a message with her assistant and within 30 minutes she returned my call and reiterated everything in the letter. She told me that after signing some papers, I can have a bank check sent to me or have the money deposited directly into my account! HOLY SHIT AGAIN!!! She told me that she would over-night the paperwork and I should return it as soon as possible. I also asked her why my brothers were not mentioned and she said she didn’t know.

I sat there with my wife in amazement. Hell…we are in some debt (not much by most accounts but debt nonetheless), live in an apartment and have a 4th child on the way. This money is just an unbelievable stroke of luck however the direct result of someone else’s demise (or 2 if you count my father but don’t worry Dad because I have it all worked out!). The first thing we did was plan to split it with my brothers and mother then pay off our debt and then buy a house. Now we don’t have to move as far away and could afford something closer to both of our families. I also couldn’t get out of my head the fact that I can probably buy a house that has a “Daddy Only” area with a big screen television, kick-ass surround sound system and video games galore! Holy shit…HOLY SHT….HOLY SHIT!!

As the wife and I are calling everyone we knew, I heard a little voice and it sounded like my youngest. He wasn’t walking into the room so the wife and I continued making our phone calls. I heard it again. So I hung-up the phone and was quiet. I heard it clear as a bell….”Daddy, wake-up. You have to make my strawberry milk”.  SON OF A

Daddy....I want my strawberry milk!

BITCH! I never wanted to punch one of my kids before but I certainly did this day! That’s my luck….none at all.

I don’t dream often but I did dream twice in the last week or so. This one I share with you but not the other so go away because I am pissed!

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4 comments

Jun 04

An Asshole in the Supermarket

Categories:

Man Thoughts, Nicholas

by Real Dad

If you are someone that reads my blog or follows me on Twitter, you know that there isn’t much that I don’t or wouldn’t talk about or make fun of. I have a sick sense of humor and I pretty much crack jokes on everything. I will make fun of religion, race, death, sex and whatever else it is that pops into my head.  However today while making a quick stop at the grocery store, I overheard a guy crack a joke about a kid maybe 1 year old or so and it just pissed me off.

There was a little boy sitting in a carriage being pushed by a woman I assumed was his mother. The boy was wearing a helmet on his head. The helmet only went around the sides of his head, leaving the crown on his head exposed.  I continued about my business and a few isles over, I saw this boy and his mom again. As I walked past them, I stopped in front of a young couple to reach for a bag of sugar. I heard the young guy say to the woman he was with “Wow that kid must be one hell of a retard that he has to wear a hockey helmet”.  At first I completely ignored the comment and started to walk down the isle but something told me to stop and say something.  I turned to the guy and nicely told him that the kid is wearing the helmet which is actually called a cranial orthotic because his skull is deformed.  I then told him that he shouldn’t be an asshole and call a little boy a retard and I walked away.

How did I know why this boy was wearing a helmet? You guessed it; one of my kids had Plagiocephaly, aka Flat Head Syndrome and had to wear a similar helmet. My son Nicky had a head that belonged on a Drac from the movie Enemy Mine (go look that up) because my wife was in labor for 20+ hours, pushed for 3 hours and the doctor used

Yeah...he was cute!

the suction device to pull him out. It really was awful. His head was long, shaped like an egg with a purple nub on top. My mother-in-law was in the delivery room with us and she immediately asked the nurses to put a hat on him, not because he may have been cold but to hide the shape of his head.  The doctor told us that if we rotated his head position when he slept that the head would correct itself. We positioned him on different sides for every sleep he had but he always rolled onto his back. We purchased every kind of prop, pillow, insert and lining we could find to keep him from rolling on his back and none of them worked. Before we knew it, his head was completely flat in the back and the sides of his head were overhanging his ears!

After seeing the Pediatrician and a specialist, we learned that he had to get fitted for the cranial orthotic (helmet). This helmet would lightly put pressure on certain parts of the skull while not putting any pressure on the flat parts. This would allow the skull to reshape itself over the course of a few months.  My son had to wear the helmet 23 hours per day for approximately 4 months. During this time my wife had to bring him for follow-up visits to measure the growth of the skull every week or two. The helmet didn’t cause him any pain at all but it did take him several days to get used to it. Once it came off, his head was shaped perfectly.

I wasn’t annoyed with this asshole in the supermarket because my son had the same condition. I was annoyed just because he was an asshole.  I cracked jokes about my son’s head and/or the helmet during the entire time he was being treated but I never made fun of someone else’s kid. Regardless of the situation, it is never the kid’s fault.  I will

It also acted as a built-in safety device

make fun of anything but kids with physical or mental disabilities/disorders is where I draw the line (except my own of course).

Please do a favor for me? Don’t be the asshole in the supermarket and watch what you say because someone like me may overhear you!

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2 comments

May 22

The Reason for Everything

Categories:

Man Thoughts

by Real Dad

I know that when you saw the title of this post you asked yourself “What the hell is he talking about?”. I am not sure why but lately I have been thinking that vagina is the root of all that is good and evil in the world. It is even directly or indirectly related to the most mundane things. I have been tossing this idea around in my head for days and I felt like spewing it out in print. Why…because I can…it’s my blog!! Below you will find the reasoning for my hypothesis.

  • Life – not possible without vagina
  • Original Sin – Eve ate the apple…YUP…..Eve had a vagina
  • Nuclear Weapons – created by men…..that probably couldn’t get vagina
  • Love – an emotion created by vagina and faked by men to get vagina
  • Alcohol – used by men to get…you guessed it….vagina
  • Drugs – could go the way of nuclear weapons or alcohol but either way….vagina
  • Money – wow this is a biggie. Created by men to attract vagina and used by vagina to lure men (evil at its purest form)
  • Happiness – felt by men after seeing or getting vagina
  • Sadness – of course felt my men when they do not get vagina
  • Disease – natures way of punishing people that for the most part come out of vaginas
  • Natural disasters – Mother Earth’s way of letting us know she is scorn….oh yeah vagina
  • Marriage – an ancient ritual to secure vagina……. for life
  • Divorce – a modern practice used to trade-in vagina
  • Serial Killers – usually the result of men repulsed by vagina
  • Bar Fights – usually started over vagina (could be in an attempt to get vagina or in an effort to protect vagina already thought to have been secured)
  • Automobiles – used to impress and drive to a place where there is vagina
  • Work – an activity in which we earn money and we know from above what we do with money…vagina
  • Television – created to broadcast various images including…..vagina
  • The internet –  most common use….to view vagina (in still and video form)
  • Music – to impress vagina
  • Gynecology – a medical specialty for vaginas
  • The printing press – created to communicate information to the masses but quickly used to print stories and pictures of vagina (seriously research it yourself)

I can go on and on but I think I proved my point. At first I started thinking of all of the evil things behind vagina. I mean if you think about it, it is the most dangerous thing known to man. However on the other hand, many great things were created and/or used with vagina in mind.

There is a game called “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon”. This game is played by naming a movie actor or actress and then linking them to Kevin Bacon. The goal is to name a few as possible without going over a total of 6 other people. I am willing to bet that I can do the same with vagina but in as little as 3. It is clear; everything is everything because of vagina! BTW – I said vagina or vaginas 34 times! Thanks to vagina (now 35) for this post!

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9 comments

May 17

Rambling Thoughts of a Tired Dad

Categories:

Fatherhood

by Real Dad

I really don’t have anything to write about. It’s been an extremely busy past few weeks. I have worked the last 2 out of 3 Saturdays and the one weekend I didn’t work was the weekend of Soccer, Shootings, A Carnival, A Birthday Party and Mother’s Day. It had gotten to the point in which my back yard had grass that was 8”+ high and my car hasn’t been washed in months. I have been saying for 3 weeks that I would clean-up the yard and wash my car but I couldn’t seem to put aside the 2-3 hours for each of those chores.

Luckily I was able to get the yard done this weekend. A little was done on Saturday after work and I finished the rest

This would be awesome!!

Sunday morning. After finishing the yard, the entire family packed in the mini-van and made a quick trip to the store to pick up supplies for my son’s school project. I am not sure what he will use it for but he has to make one of those yellow smiley faces attached to a small wooden handle. I am not sure how you feel about it but to me the yellow smiley face represents tripping on acid. I do not know why I think that but I do. A bunch of first grade kids walking around with these smiling yellow faces would just freak me out….even not being on acid.

The wife is 7 months along now and she is having the not so bad days and some pretty shitty days. Lately the baby is throwing fits in there. Her stomach contorts, becomes rock hard and looks freaky. She has also been experiencing some nerve pain which she did with the last one. She gets these pains that shoot up her neck and/or from her ear to her lip or her neck to her ear than up into her head. She has talked to the Doctor about it and he of course said that there isn’t much that can be done so she has to grin and take it.

I am still not sure how we are going to pull off raising 4 kids. Financially we are struggling (in the red for the first time ever) and things aren’t getting any easier. Thankfully we have great family and we are getting all of the hand-me-downs they own. I guess that is what we get for donating ALL of the infant crap we had after the lil one was born. We have also been getting a package or two of diapers every few weeks from my mother-in-law, so that is good. Since we know we are having another boy, I have been hoping that the wife gives birth to an 18 year old that wants to go straight into the military. Paid housing, clothing and healthcare all in one shot AND I will be a proud Daddy that can say my newborn is doing something honorable.

Seriously, I recall shopping with the wife before we had our first. We planned and starting buying things months in advance. I actually researched different bottles and what made them different from each other. We wouldn’t take a single item from family that was a hand-me-down because our kid deserved everything new. We used fancy diaper creams, a Diaper Genie, a wipes warmer, researched toys, baby-proofed our home and watched over him like hawks.

Yeah...like he is getting this stuff!

Now, we have a bunch of bottles given to us that we haven’t even looked at yet. Why? Because it doesn’t matter, they are bottles. We have no toys or any other baby related item except what has been given to us. We do not even have a room to put him so he will be shacking up with us in our room. Ohh..no crib so a Pack-N-Play will have to do just as it did with the lil one. Shit….we don’t have that either….I gave that away too!

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5 comments

May 11

Soccer, Shootings, A Carnival, A Birthday Party and Mother’s Day

Categories:

Jordan-Rose, The Family

by Real Dad

This weekend was very busy. We, well the wife, had a lot planned. First it was Nicky’s soccer game early Saturday morning then the carnival my wife has been promising the kids we would go to all week, next would be Jordan’s little birthday party and finally Mother’s Day. The kids were really excited about the carnival most of all and I found out about it Thursday night and didn’t stop hearing about it until Saturday.

Doesn't that look fun?

Ok now a little back story on the carnival. When my kids starting talking about the carnival Thursday night, I immediately asked my wife what carnival are they talking about and where is it. She told me where it was and I told her that it probably wasn’t the best place to bring our kids. See where I live isn’t necessarily the “best” place to be. We live on the border of a not so nice town and every town that borders this town isn’t all that nice either.  I grew up in this town and it used to be nice.  I have wanted to get out for a long time but things haven’t worked out the way I planned…anyway…I told my wife that this carnival will probably be filled with kids wearing red, blue or yellow clothing therefore not a place we should bring our kids. For you people that aren’t “street” (I am not street but trying to sound tough) like I am, those are the colors of various gangs. She told me that I am being overly dramatic. Soooo….

Saturday we woke up and left for Nicky’s soccer game at the “Dust Bowl”. He did great again! He ran up and down the field faster than most and scored 2 goals. That’s 4 goals in 3 games for the kid. The game finished just before the lightning and high winds began so that was good. As soon as that was over we ran home to wash up and go to the carnival. The kids were out of their minds. They kept asking about the carnival and were just being so annoying about the whole thing. As we are getting ready to leave my wife tells me that her friend heard something happened at this carnival. When I asked what it was, my wife responded by telling me that there was a shooting. NO SHIT….a shooting. Perfect for the family environmentClick here to read the story “Panic at Bloomfield Carnival After Gunshots”.  So I of course say “I told you” but she wasn’t convinced thinking it would different during the day. I am not sure that she believed her friend. So we pack the kids into the mini-van and head over to the parking lot carnival. There are police, men wearing hard-hats dismantling the rides and carts as well as big trucks all over the place. The kids are now in a full frenzy, frothing at their mouths and wanting their carnival! I lean over and whisper to my wife “They are shut-down; those men are taking it apart”. Her response was “They are just fixing stuff. Go ask them what time they open”.  What? Did I hear that right? Well yes I did! Being the obedient husband that I am, I go and ask a worker. He responded exactly the way that I thought he would: “The police shut it down because there was a shooting here last night”. Ok well there you go! As you can imagine, I was dreading the kid’s reaction and it was every bit as bad as you would think. They screamed, cried, groaned, whined and everything else.

I drive away not knowing what we are going to do because they talked about it all week as it was supposed to be a part of my daughter’s birthday celebration. We drive with no destination, trying to figure out what we are going to do while the kids all cry and scream. In my infinite wisdom, I suggest that we go for some ice cream. My wife doesn’t think it is a good idea so we aimlessly drive some more. After about 15 minutes or so, I just turned around and asked the kids if they wanted ice cream and they said yes! That’s right…..Dad to the rescue! We go to the local spot and enjoy some ice cream.

The Birthday Girl!

Now with order restored, we can home to get ready for the party. It wasn’t a big affair, just my immediate family and hers. We had a nice time and we had the first visit of our 4 month old nephew. The kids were so happy to see him.  Jordan got a ton of presents and ate a lot of candy! It was a long day and tough day but it ended on a high note.

Sunday was just as busy. I woke up with the kids, cooked breakfast so the kids can serve Mommy in bed. I made French Toast and the kids made a fruit salad containing grapes, whole apples and a banana. It was really nice. After the breakfast in bed was served, my wife said she wanted to take the kids to an indoor amusement center. I went online and found 2 within a 30 minute drive.  We choose one and left. The entire ride consisted of the wife getting the kids fired up as she felt bad for the “shoot em up carnival”. As we pull into the lot I point out that it was empty. We thought that was great because we would basically have the place to ourselves. The wife and kids get out of the van so fast and make a bee-line for the door. As I walk up, I see the family standing in the entrance. As I walked to the door I see a sign: “FunPlex is closed for Mother’s Day”. Holy shit! Please tell me this is a joke. We break the news to the kids and what happens? Yes, more screaming and crying. We immediately tell them that we can try another place. We make the 20 minute trip for our next attempt. We pull in the lot and it is clearly open. We basically barged through the door and knocked down people to get in. We spent a couple of hours and had a blast. We played some arcade games together, the kids rode on the bumper cars and we went into a foam ball battlefield. It was a closed structure filled with foam balls and a lot of air-powered guns. It was a hit and the kids were happy.

When we got home, I made dinner while the wife and kids played outside. All in all, it was a good day but I hope next weekend is a little less traumatic!

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1 comment

May 02

Inventions for Fatherhood and Marriage

Categories:

Man Thoughts, The Family

by Real Dad

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately on ways to improve my life, thus my family’s lives. If you have visited my blog before then you know I have a fourth kid on the way (Introducing #4) and I am struggling with some big decisions and some negative feelings. Knowing all that we are facing in this house, I have been going crazy thinking of little things that would improve my daily quality of life. There are many things that cross my mind throughout the day and if only I was creative and determined, I would try to produce some the prototypes. Here are some of my thoughts.

• Fingerprintless glass
• Walls that shock kids that attempt to draw or write on them
• A refrigerator that punches kids when they open it
• A remote control that works on kids
• Carpeting that actually repels stains
• Toilets that throw whatever it is the kids threw in back in their faces

Great School!

• Bathroom floors that have a French-drain
• Self-cleaning asses – yeah that’s right…asses that clean themselves…
• Noise canceling paint
• Kid’s movies that can only be played 5 times
• Toys that don’t break
• A wife that doesn’t nag – yes….purposely buried in the middle of the list
• A wife that doesn’t complain – yes again buried
• Family that isn’t a pain in the ass
• Food that doesn’t leave crumbs
• Liquids that turn solid if they don’t go directly from cup to mouth
• Candy that makes kids sleepy and/or calm
• Mini-vans with sound proofed partitions
• Child restraints that would not cause immediate incarceration if used
• A law should exist for when kids cause parents enough frustration, the parents would be allowed to leave without fear  of criminal charges or public scrutiny
• A house full of Sandra Bullock, Diane Lane, Halle Berry, Shakira and Nancy Pelosi

The above list is what I can remember but as you can see, I am full of friggin genius. Imagine the possibilities! If you have the money and resources to produce a prototype, be my guest. I will take a percentage as the idea man!

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