Comments (4)

By Real Dad, April 16, 2010 9:59 pm

We have all had this happen to us. You remember something being the most amazing thing when you were a kid. It could be a movie, a video game, a certain food, woman, band, song or person. I have grown accustomed to being disappointed by these same things later in life.  I have compiled some of the things I have been disappointed with as an “adult”:

• Old E (Old English 800)
• Tight Blue Jeans
• Mullets
• Nerds Candy
• Vinyl Records
• Lava Lamps
• Nintendo Games

In some form or fashion I really enjoyed these things as a kid or teenager but as an adult…..not so much. I don’t know what it was and what it is now but I have been disappointed time and time again when I tried to “recapture” some part of my youth.

My latest disappointment hit me harder than the rest. Recently I was browsing around on the web for music videos. I must back track a bit and say that having an older brother that was a head-banger left me no choice but to join the movement. As a kid and adult for that matter, I prefer some pretty intense music, the harder and heavier the better.  So while searching online for various music videos I came across some stuff on I guy/group I liked as a teenager.  In the mid-80’s nothing was more evil than this guy, King Diamond of the group Mercyful Fate. Kind Diamond was a

The Coolness I Remember

self-pronounced Satanist (no I do not worship the devil) and he had a vocal range that amazed me. His face was painted black and white with an upside down cross on his forehead. It was intense and I actually liked the music. As a kid of around 12 or 13 I couldn’t look at his face on the album cover as it would keep me up at night but I liked the music! I still like the music to be

A Special Holiday Record

honest. Anyway, this guy was the personification of evil and I thought it was cool to like him (I still like him but that is not the point). I was having all kinds of flashbacks as I watched YouTube videos of him and Mercyful Fate. I decided to search the web to see what he has been up to and disappointment struck!

I learned that Kind Diamond’s real name is Kim Bendix Petersen! Kim?….the son of Satan is “KIM “? Man what a blow. I continue reading and learn that he is now 55 years old and living in Texas! Originally from Denmark, he moved to Texas years ago. That in and of itself isn’t bad but being from northern Europe was part of the mystic because a lot of “Black Metal” bands came from Denmark, Holland and such. Now that I learned that the son of Satan has a girly name, I

An Average-Joe with Long Hair

begin to look for current pictures and find many of him without make-up and costume. Another disappointment because he doesn’t even have the evil tattoos…..not a single tattoo of any kind. WTF!! How much more can I take? I pressed on. The last blow to the head was learning that he is non-denominational! He doesn’t even believe in Satanism, Catholicism, Judaism or any organized religion. Holy shit……I was crushed. I knew his stage act was hokey and all but I really believed that he sang about things he believed in. Instead I learned that little stupid turds like me bought it, hook, line and sinker. Bastard!

Now that I learned the truth, I am just making believe that I never read and saw what I did. Instead I am thinking like I did at 14 and he is the most evil son of Satan I ever saw. Long live the King!….and don’t worry about my soul because my kids go to Catholic School and my wife and son attend mass every week so I go to heaven by proxy!

Comments (8)

By Real Dad, April 12, 2010 10:07 pm

I want to start off by saying that if this post goes down as my legacy I would die a happy man.

This post has been long in the making. Every time I go into the bathroom to do my thing, I am fearful of what I may encounter or what others may encounter after I leave but that isn’t really the point. This fear carries over into every

A real man's worst fear!

restroom, lavatory, Johnny on the Spot, locker room or rest stop I may enter. The fear of soft toilet paper gives me such anxiety that I cannot properly enjoy the relief I am about to feel. You see, no man alive should be forced to use soft toilet paper.

I want to start a movement. A movement that will force all toilet paper retailers to place soft toilet paper in the same isle as tampons and feminine napkins (see I do have class!). Why do I feel this way you may ask? Because I (all men) have “HMA” or Hairy Man Ass and soft toilet paper and HMA do not mix well together. Women on the other hand do not suffer from HMA because they have SSWA or Soft Supple Woman ASS. This is why soft toilet paper should ONLY be offered in the same isle with all of their other sanitary needs (see classy again). It makes sense. An entire isle is dedicated to women in every supermarket, super retailer or large drug store but they are incomplete. They are missing the soft toilet paper selection! Why does it take me to figure this out? Don’t these companies have people to think about this shit?

When a man uses soft toilet paper things get left behind. I call these things a variety of names including the following:

• Cling-ons (my favorite)
• DB’s (DingleBerries)
  

  That is more like it!

• Crunch and Munch
• Butt Dumplings
• Butt Fruit
• Raisinettes
• Wrecking Balls
• Left-Overs (another favorite of mine)

Who the hell wants that? Look, I am all for hygiene and comfort but if my wife doesn’t stop buying the soft stuff there will be problems. My house currently has 2 men in training with a 3^rd rumored to be along the way. My hope is that they will experience a world in which only hard, rough and

I have shaved my ass once or twice but the razor burn was too much

non-shredding toilet paper graces the crappers they visit. I wouldn’t mind a loose-leaf notebook left next to every toilet or a roll of industrial/commercial grade toilet paper or the thin paper stuff in the fast food joints or even paper towels. In any case, the soft stuff sucks!

I want to start the revolution…..”No more Cling-ons”. I do want to state for the record that we cannot get rid of the wet wipes as nothing cleans better than those!

Are you with me?

Comments (8)

By Real Dad, April 11, 2010 8:04 am

I have to admit that I thought I would be up to writing and posting more than I have been but I’m not so go screw! Kidding of course.  A lot has happened since my last post but nothing worthwhile that would get me off of my lazy ass to write about so I’ll digress.

However I did return myself to Twitter. I see it like this: so many of us work and have family that socializing in person has grown to be a burden whether it be financially or mentally. I haven’t really spoken to my friends in years. Once I got married and started creating little lives with my wife, I have no extra time or desire to actually go out or invite people over for that matter.  For me, socializing online is good enough.  I enjoy seeing other parents tweeting the same thoughts and feelings I have, whether good or bad.  I have developed some “relationships” with some fellow Tweeps and look forward to seeing what they are up to on a daily basis. Maybe I relate to them, think they are a pisser or both.  Either way socializing online is fun, passes time and diverts me temporarily from the craziness of life.

Now all of the people I developed “relationships” with online could all be serial killers, social deviants, misfits, heads of a satanic cult (if you are let me know as I am certain I have good music on hand to play in the back-round of your next

I think I know that Tweep!

sacrifice), creepy guy or creepy chick, part of the plot to socialize America, part of the right-wing movement to lessen government (see how I played both sides of the fence there?), pyromaniacs, cat ladies, obsessed with porn guy (maybe that should be removed) or maybe the slight chance that you are all decent people…but I doubt that!

I felt the desire to write something and this is what I came up with so take it and like itJ. As I say at work: “A big ship turns slowly” or “Something this big takes time to build up momentum”. None of this means anything but I will try to start posting more often.

Cool tweeps to follow on Twitter and their blogs (if they have one):

@ezmomm – blog: “Oh For Pete’s Sake!!”

This image is better than the creepy Pied Piper with mice or kids following!

@ladywanderlust – blog: “A Blogoddess’ Tale”

@dadunmasked – blog: “dad unmasked”

@lilmommasmom – blog: “Worldofmomma”  - BTW get on her ass to write more

@tysdaddy – blog: “The Cheek of God”

@droofer

@rammer88

@havingtwinsnow – blog:”Having Twins Now”

@whyisdaddycrying  –  blog:”Why is Daddy Crying?”

Look if I follow them there is something cool about them so check out their stuff and all of the other tweeps I follow too!

I am also working hard in the Real Dads Lab to develop a platform in which I can socialize with my family without

Where the magic happens

really being there. The look and feel of my presence while I am actually living in a shack in the wilderness of Montana or Wyoming all by myself (I know that sounds familiar but I am not an evil genius…genius yes….evil…well maybe a little). Until then I am wiring my house with LCD monitors and looking for the perfect portable unit for my family, this way I can Skype them while I hide in a box on a street corner…again all by myself!

Comments (1)

By Real Dad, February 25, 2010 10:53 pm

I must start by saying that I feel awful that Dawn Brancheau, a veteran animal trainer, died while performing at SeaWorld with the Killer Whale named Tilikum. As most of us know, this happened at a show being performed in front of hundreds if not thousands of people. SeaWorld is now saying that Dawn’s long pony-tail got stuck in the mouth of Tilikum and the whale dragged her underwater accidentally.  Eyewitness reports claimed that the Killer Whale seemed agitated the entire show and once in its grasp, Dawn was thrashed about and pulled under water.

A Killer Whale can weigh up to 22,000lbs and measure as much as 32 feet long. This whale is a top tier predator! Tilikum weighs 12,000lbs and has caused two deaths previous to this. There was/is a standing order by SeaWorld that the trainers cannot be in the water with Tilikum due to its past track record. Why the hell would they continue to use this predator in shows? It makes no sense. Tilikum was one of three whales blamed in the death of a woman in 1991 when she fell into the water and another death in 1999 that was the result of “horseplay”.

Does anyone remember the two big cases in which chimpanzees attacked people? In 2005 Moe the Chimp attacked its previous owners with the help of other chimps. These chimps mutilated Mr. St. James Davies, chewed off his face, foot, fingers and genitals. He survived but is of course seriously disfigured. Most recently, the case of Charla Nash of Connecticut made headlines in 2009. While visiting her friend and a pet chimp named Travis, Charla was attacked and suffered similar injuries to Mr. Davies. This case really struck a chord when the 911 tapes hit the media. Travis’ owner was telling the 911 operator that Travis was killing her friend and eating her. Late last year Ms. Nash went on the Oprah Winfrey Show and revealed her mutilated face.

I am not an “animal rights” activist or anything or the sort. I eat meat, wear leather (don’t ask but only on special occasions), would buy my wife fur, if I had the money, and view animals as a valuable resource, if it provides us with something. However keeping wild killer animals as pets or show performers is just ridiculous to me. Case after case of animal attacks are seen (there is even a show “When Animals Attach”), heard, read in the news, and people just don’t get it. These animals do not belong in our homes or in cages/pens/aquariums for public spectacle. I feel bad for these people but do we actually expect anything less than people getting mauled? I drives me crazy when people act surprised when it happens. Trust me, I will never have a pet that can kick my ass never-mind eat me! Why does this not cross the minds of certain people? Is it the thrill? I don’t know. What I do know is that Tilikum, Moe, Travis and many others have either killed and/or severely injured people and something like this will happen again, sooner rather than later.

Comments (4)

By Real Dad, February 21, 2010 10:06 pm

Recently my mother gave me a newspaper clipping from when I was in the first grade. The picture is of me, painting a pumpkin with my teacher. I remember when I came across this picture a few years ago and my father told me a story but I will get to that in a minute.

I feel the need to tell all of you that I was not the most well behaved child. I wasn’t necessarily a bad kid but I challenged everything my parents said or did. If they put me in my room and told me not to come out, I would stand at the threshold and yell the following: “I am in my room….I am in my room”. My Aunt and Uncle tell stories of me getting yelled at and told to go upstairs (which meant my room) but I would lie at the top of the stairs on my stomach and watch everyone through the stair railing. When I got soap in my mouth I would of course cry but when it was said and done I would say that I liked the taste of soap. You kind of get the point by now….right?

Come on...you can figure it out

Ok, so while I was in the first grade I talked a lot. I remember writing “I will not talk in class” over and over again but it didn’t work. I also remember not stopping when I was told to stop. So when my father told this story, I didn’t doubt it one bit. He told me that I was always in trouble with Miss Brown. My parents were told that I was placed in time-out very often. It got to be so much that my parents (maybe just my mother) were called into class to meet with Miss Brown. After they learned of all of the things I did to earn time out, Miss Brown told them that time-out was under her desk. Under her desk…kind of an odd place even by 1981 standards. Miss Brown proceeded to tell my parents that she thinks that I liked time-out because she caught me looking up her skirt. That’s right! I was catching a peek at the earth momma muff of my first grade teacher. I couldn’t believe it when I was told. I remember being under the desk but not that often. I do remember seeing what I thought was Jiffy Pop in my teacher’s underwear but I am unsure why. However when I look at the picture of my teacher, it all makes sense. She was hot and I knew it even way back then.
The sad part for me is that I was as old as my son Nicky is now. I cannot imagine him getting in trouble just to look up his teacher’s skirt. I don’t remember being such a pervert then but I guess it starts at an early age. I just cannot see my son acting like that.

I broke the man code by telling you what it means when a man asks another man “Would you?” so don’t be surprised at this. I purposely acted out just to sneak a peek. Even today, as an “adult”, I do things with the hope that it will result in something sexual and I get rewarded often. The 3 kids with 1 on the way are testimony to that.

Maybe I should request a new reward…….

Planning my next move......

Comments (7)

By Real Dad, February 13, 2010 10:57 pm

Ok blog, I apologize as I have truly neglected you for some time now. Things have been really crazy lately. Between home and work, I don’t know if I am coming or going and of course my house has once again been a cesspool of germs and other such things. Shit… since I wrote “Fatherhood Means Someone is Always Sick” my kids and wife have been sick, twice. First it was the stomach flu with puking for 3 or 4 days then it was severe colds followed by an ear infection (I think) and now a possible urinary tract infection in the mix. I have also been working long days including my travel, I have been out of the house an average of 12 hours per day. So as you can see I have my hands full.

There it goes!

The wife’s pregnancy is going well, I think. We really do not talk about it much. We both know she is pregnant and due in July so what is the point? We just paid the $2000.00 deductible so that my wife can deliver the baby with the help of a doctor and in the hospital rather than in my back yard with me, a set of salad tongs, a blind-fold and a garden hose.  Seriously, why is my 401K important for our retirement when I need to draw on it to pay for my kids now? Never-mind the $490 dental bill for the kids…that’s right $490! My wife figured the kids all needed the special fluoride treatments not covered by our dental insurance. I know the teeth they currently have will all fall out of their skulls but possessing strong teeth is so important (you know if I had my way I would have told the dentist to scratch my balls rather than give my kids fluoride treatments) but the wife handles those matters. You know my thoughts on money as I told you when I wrote “A Father and Husband in a Bad Economy”. We also talked of her pumping breast milk rather than buying formula this time around. I don’t like the thought of a machine or another person albeit my child, latching onto my wife but we have to do what we have to do. If this kid turns out to be smarter and healthier than the others, I will be pissed!

As you can see blog, I have a lot on my mind. I don’t know if I am coming or going. We also have to move but I don’t have the energy or the motivation to begin that process. Since the schools around here suck, we send our kids to private school. No, we cannot afford a private school but it is far better than the public school option in this town. Once I get motivated, I will begin to look for a place to live that is closer to my job but it must have a good public school system. Don’t you fret blog as everyone keeps saying it will work-out one day soon. I am still waiting as I have heard that before.

I guess I am done for now as I have thoroughly pleaded my case. You are truly a bright spot in which I like to visit and share my thoughts but times have been tough. After all, you are just another thing that needs attention and nurturing and I have been tapped out lately. I do promise to pay more attention and to try to post more often. However if I don’t…….KISS MY ASS! This is my blog therefore my rules!

My Blog - My Rules!

Comments (5)

By Real Dad, January 23, 2010 11:33 pm

My wife and I are into the show “Big Love” and we watch it together every week. Before I actually saw the first episode, I thought to myself that polygamy sounded like a great life. One man and multiple women; how can that be bad? Well…I really thought about this and I have the pros and cons all figured out.

Cons

• More than one woman in your life
• To many children
• You need a lot of money to maintain the family
• You have to lie to everyone outside of your home(s)
• Multiple women asking when will you be home from work
• Multiple women telling you how hectic their day was while you worked
  

  Should I enter the world of polygamy?

• More than one woman in your life (oops already said that)
• Multiple women telling you that you got fat
• You will need a bus or a convoy of cars when you go on vacation
• You will probably be the #1 recipient of Xanax
• You may also be the #1 recipient of Zoloft
• More than likely you will have a lot of friggin children
• Never have time to yourself (like that matters after you have 1 kid and 1 wife)
• You increase the chances of having an ugly child
• More than one woman in your life (sorry)
• A house/houses full of hormonal women
• You have to figure out how many of your wives will work and how many will stay home to raise the kids
• Apparently there is a hierarchy amongst the wives which causes competition (that may be a pro)
• If you go “old school” your wives will dress like it is 1850
• If they dress like it is 1850 they probably won’t be shaving much
• Because of the women’s movement of the early 20^th century and child labor laws, I will still have to cook or clean something

You get then point, I hope. There are many cons to the whole idea of polygamy but there are some benefits:

Pros

• Sex with multiple women

Well that is really it! I think the pros out-weigh the cons!  We men are such simple creatures.

In reality, I think it would be a good idea only if I can be the undisputable religious “prophet” of a mass amount of people. That would be cool. I can imagine being the supreme ruler of a community of people that just worship me in every way.  I would just be the coolest leader.  I would be sure that all of the women show me affection and swoon over everything I do or say. The men would just have to step aside when they see me. Children would not be allowed to look at me of course, unless I speak to them which would be rare. I would allow people to do whatever they wanted as long as it didn’t interfere with my own prosperity. Wow…I would be awesome. Is anyone willing to join me? Hahahaha

Ok enough of me dreaming, my 3 year just pissed all over my bathroom!

Comments (7)

By Real Dad, January 10, 2010 9:50 pm

Yesterday I was having a twittersation with Ezmomm regarding cleaning products. She mentioned to me that she hates the smell of pine cleaners because it reminds her of the times when she was sick as a youngster and her mother would place a puke bucket next to her bed with Pine Sol at the bottom. I totally related to this as my mother and father did the same thing! It is funny how things happen because today that conversation topic partially played out in my house.

Today started out on a good note, I got to sleep until 7:30 so I was happy about that. I got out of bed and immediately went for the coffee and while I drank my beverage of life, the wife and I discussed the schedule for the day. The plan for me was to get a haircut (never happened), take Nicky to the store to by shin guards, cook chili and watch football. The wife was to take Nicky to his first soccer game then come home and do some laundry. Well it didn’t go down that way. After a little while we notice that our youngest isn’t feeling well. He was cranky and looked a little pale but all of my kids are pale so we didn’t pay it much attention. I ran to the store with Nicky and as soon I came home he was off to his soccer game. When the wife and Nicky walked in the door, I knew something was wrong because he was crying (aren’t I the brilliant and intuitive father?). My wife walks in behind him and said that he just threw up in the van. NICE! So I went outside with my father-in-law to clean the van.

By the time I cleaned the van seat and came back inside, Corey and Jordan were awake. Nicky was lying on the couch and the wife had placed a bucket on the floor next to him (minus the Pine Sol). That is when it all hit me! I started to think of all of the crazy things that my parents did when my brothers and I were sick or hurt. Most of it involves my mother but my father was good for one every now and again. I reflect back.

Don't worry Mom has a cream for that!

My first random memory occurs when I was maybe 6 or 7. We lived in Florida and like every other kid, I fell into a Fire Ant mound. I was covered in ants. My father and uncle heard me screaming and ran out. They picked me up and threw me in the shower. My mother didn’t think it was anything to worry about and she patted me down with calamine lotion but my body had little red bumps and I puffed up like the “Stay Puffed Marshmellow Man”. My father had the wits to take me to the emergency clinic and/or hospital and after a shot or two I turned out ok.

I also remember being  8 years old or so and I fell off of my bike. It didn’t hurt but you can see the bone pushing up under the skin. I walked home holding my arm and saw my mother outside as she was going shopping. I told her that I broke my arm and she asked me to move my fingers.

Move your fingers Mike!

I moved my fingers (remember it was my arm that was broken and not all of my fingers) and she told me to go inside to my father because it wasn’t broken but he can put ice on it. I did what she said and went inside. One look and my father knew it was broken but we had to wait hours before she came home so I can be taken to the hospital.

A couple of years later, I ran into a metal gate and split my forehead open. I had blood running down my face and ran home screaming. I smashed open the door just yelling for my father. I remember my mother in the background somewhere yelling “Oh oh oh oh is he ok? Oh oh oh” while my father tried to assess the damage to my head. I wouldn’t let him see it and I was screaming. He smacked me across the face and told me to calm down. I did and he took me to the hospital for my 40 or so stitches.

There was another time when my brother Marc was around 11 or 12; I think he also fell of his bike and broke his ankle or something. He hobbled into the house and his foot was the size of a football and purple in color. My older brother and I immediately knew it was broken but my mother didn’t agree. She asked Marc to move his toes and he did. Her reply….”If you can move your toes, it isn’t broken”. We tried to convince her to take him to the hospital but she didn’t see the need. A few hours later my father came home and took the poor kid to the hospital.

OOOUCH!

The best story involves my older brother Eddie. He was around 16 and had the entire attic to himself as his bedroom. He was experiencing severe pains in his balls and they swelled up like grapefruits. The story goes (I was sleeping in the other room and had no idea of what was happening) that he crawled down the stairs and went into my parents bedroom. Since my mother was the closest to the door, he approached her with his swollen balls in hand. She rolled over and looked at him, as he was in tears telling her how much it hurt, and told him that he had a stomach ache and he would be fine. He made his way back to his room only to return later to wake up my father. My father immediately ran my brother to the hospital and he had emergency surgery to save his balls. Apparently it is a fairly common thing when a young man’s balls twist up like “Click Clacks” and the doctors knew exactly what they had to do.

I know there is more but these just came to mind quickly. It is truly amazing as I am sure I will do similar things to my kids. Sometimes you just get so numb of the crying and whining that you overlook something potentially serious. At least it provides me with blog content today!

Comments (13)

By Real Dad, January 4, 2010 10:48 pm

Alright, the holidays are over and we are back to the daily grind. I had the last 1.5 weeks off of work and spent every waking second with my family. That isn’t a bad thing but I will say it again, I do not envy stay-at-home parents! My wife decided to be a stay-at-home mom before we had Nicky but planned on returning to work at some point in the near

#4 Baking nicely

future. That didn’t happen because we had a 2nd and 3rd child within a very short time frame. Lately she has been working part-time at night at a local catering hall but I think that has stopped as business hasn’t been good. It really sucks since she found out she was pregnant with #4 right before Thanksgiving! That’s right, ANOTHER BABY!

I know that this whole baby thing is a blessing (or so I hear) but I am really having a hard time with this. We currently have 3 kids that we struggle to provide for. We do not have a fancy place to live, nice furniture (actually we do not have enough furniture to furnish every room), my wife and I do not go out (husband and wife time), we do not socialize with anyone except family, we send 2 of our kids to a private school that we cannot afford because the local schools suck, the wife and I go without buying much needed items such as new clothes, we do not take vacations and having 3 children ages 6, 4 and 3 just eats at your last nerve in general. Now I am not saying that I do not love my family because I certainly do but it isn’t easy and it is not all happy-happy-joy-joy!

We all have our issues and I am sure that I sound like a whining baby and I really don’t care as it is my blog and my rules . My wife and I have had a long-standing disagreement regarding the amount of children we should have. I wanted a vasectomy for several years now but she was against anything so definite. We explored our options and settled on birth control pills but she stopped taking them over the summer (why I am not sure and right now it doesn’t matter). Recently we were a little careless and maybe forgot the whole birth control idea, so we are certainly both culpable and I understand that. Knowing the error of our ways is great but it does not help me with the future of what I have in front of me right now.

How will we afford to raise the newest addition to our family? This isn’t 1910 so I cannot pull Nicky out of school to work in the local factory for 18 hours a day or send Jordan to harvest the crops! I was thinking of pulling straws to

The way it was.......

determine which kid I would sell on the “black market” but I came to the conclusion that

A different time...and not worth repeating

wouldn’t go over well with the general public or law-enforcement officials. I even thought about becoming a pimp and “turning out” the wife but let’s face it, she is pregnant now and after she gives birth she will have to take care of #4. So what am I to do? I guess just the best I can.

I have a feeling that I will get a lot of flak for this post and I am prepared. As I told my wife, I don’t want to hear all of the “Oh this is great” or “What is the difference between 3 kids and 4 kids?”. It isn’t a happy time when you are completely clueless of where the money will come from to raise a family of 4 kids without some type of drastic change. By drastic change I mean pulling my kids out of their school and moving to a place in which the public schools are much better. The problem with that is we have to move far from where we are and my wife has been against being further then a short drive from her parents or my mine. I am also fully aware that some couples struggle to conceive a child and many view children as blessings

Just a little dream!

but we all have our struggles and this is mine. I know this sounds horrible but it is REAL and this is Real Dads Hangout; I tell it like it is! Unless someone jumps out of the corner of the delivery room with television cameras and a giant check with a lot of 0’s, I don’t want to hear it! I will of course fall in love with this baby and do everything I can for him or her and that goes without saying. It is the road that must be traveled by my family that I am a loathing. It will be long and bumpy so I hope we all come out in the end with all of our limbs and our sanity!

BRING IT YOU LIL CHILDREN BASTARDS, BRING IT! DADDY IS READY FOR FRIGGIN WAR!

Comments (10)

By Real Dad, December 15, 2009 11:02 pm

Last week my mother-in-law came over with a book for my kids. The book is called “The Elf on the Shelf”. Apparently this book was a big deal with my wife because she was all excited. I didn’t understand the hoopla and apparently this book is hard to get this time of year. So I sat down with my kids to listen to Uncle Mike read the story.

In a nutshell, the book tells the story of a magical elf that Santa allows to stay in your house. The kids are allowed to name it (ours is Nino) and then it has to be placed somewhere by an adult and adult only. This magical elf just sits there watching the kids every move during the day. At night when everyone is asleep, the elf flies back to Santa and gives him a report on how the kids behaved. The elf then returns to the

Nino wound up in our table top tree today

home, sets up shop in a different location and begins his day time vigil all over again. The story tells the kids that the magical elf is not to be touched by anyone, including parents as this will destroy the elf’s magical ability (smart way to go about it).

Side note: The elf is not real, it cannot fly, it does not report back to Santa and before we go to bed, Carrie moves the elf to its new location.  I just don’t want to get any of your hopes up, so I wanted to just clarify the facts because I almost believed the hype myself. I thought this was genius. I understand that this is not a new concept but to me it was because I never heard of it. I was so damn excited because I really thought to myself that this would give us a break from the normal craziness of our lovable children.

The kids were so excited they made Uncle Chris read the book to them as well. After that, they each took turns looking at the book and we then placed Nino on the one piece of furniture in our dining room, the out of place bookshelf. There he sat with a dopey look on his face, watching my kids and they were certainly on their best behavior. I was so happy and I thought that this may actually work. Nicky was outstanding and kept saying to Jordan and Corey “Nino is watching”. It was great! Corey didn’t get it, as he is only 3 years old but every time he acted up both Jordan and Nicky would say “Nino is watching”. Wondeful! The kids all went to bed without a hitch and the next morning they were all ecstatic about finding where Nino settled for the day. They found him hanging on a curtain rod.  I was really impressed with the results. It was amazing.

After a few days of great behavior, Saturday we began to see some of Jordan’s typical behavior.  Carrie and I would just remind her that The Elf on the Shelf, Nino, is watching and she would immediately snap out of it. Now she isn’t a bad kid by any means but she is stubborn, defiant and just plain old tough…..oh and bossy too. Anyway, while Jordan and Nicky were in the kitchen,

It's Christmas time so I threw this in..the kids decorated it tonight

things got quiet…..to quiet. I hear Jordan whisper “Nino can’t see me in here”.  That is when my hopes were smashed!  I knew that this Nino character wouldn’t mean anything to her and I was right! The last few days have been tough as Jordan pays no attention to the fact that Nino is somewhere in the house.  I told Jordan a story of a cousin of mine. When my cousin was a little girl, maybe 6 or so, she awoke on Christmas morning to find coal in her stocking. Apparently Santa didn’t think her behavior was worthy of receiving presents on Christmas so he filled her stocking with coal (true story…hahahaha my Aunt is a pisser….I know I know what a horrible thing to do to a young child but I still cannot help myself and I laugh whenever I hear that story. Just to calm you down, I will tell you that my cousin ran up the stairs to her room and threw the coal out of her window. When my Aunt and Uncle were able to get her out of her room, she went down stairs to a tree surrounded by lots of presents! So it did turn out to be a merry Christmas for her). Do you think this story had any effect on my daughter even after I reminded her that Nino tells Santa everyday how she behaved? Well let me answer that for you…..IT DIDN’T! Nino has certainly made a positive impact with Nicky and Corey so not all is lost. I just had so much hope that Nino would be my savior, the answer to my prayers. I am mildly disappointed.

I still think the concept is great! So if anyone gets this book, or already has it, please let me know how it works for you. Just don’t rub it in if it works that well for you.