Yesterday was a big day for Nicky because he played in his first “real” soccer game. He did great! He scored 2 goals and was running up and down the field faster than most of the other kids, if not all of them. So I broke out my Flip HD Ultra and started shooting video. It’s a little shaky but as you will see, my daughter was running in circles and cheering right next to me.
Apr 21
Fatherhood: A Complete Review of Fatherhood
I felt it time to do my first review. I toiled long and hard over what to review and fatherhood was the only thing I could come up with. Fatherhood may not be something I am good at but I have a lot of experience with 3 kids and 1 on the way. I affectionately refer to the number of kids as 3.7 as my wife is due in July.
Fatherhood began for me a little over 7 years ago when my wife told me she was pregnant. I was very excited and a little nervous while my wife as very nervous and a little excited. I made it a point to be at every doctor visit and I mean every visit! I thought it would be amazing and wonderful to have a little me or little wife running around. When delivery day came, I was nervous as could be and my wife’s labor and delivery was brutal. I think it totaled 25 hours or so. I should have known then what was in my future!
I found fatherhood to consist of the following:
- Your life is no longer your own
- Your life will never be the same
- Cleaning the dirty ass of another human being
- Getting baby shit under your fingernails
- Getting pissed on
- Talking like an idiot to a baby that doesn’t understand you regardless of how you talk
- Making a multitude of additional trips to the store for various baby items
- Being amazed at every “first” of your new baby
- Bragging to anyone that makes believe they are listening about how amazing your son is
- Getting the daily run-down from your wife when you get home from work
- Always worrying if your baby farts and shits regularly (yes it’s a Daddy thing)
- Wondering where your wife went
- Remembering the days of constant sex
- Daydreaming of the day you may have sex again
- Trying to figure out why the baby is crying
- Running to the hospital when your son tumbles down 13 stairs (hey it only happened once)
- Not going out with the wife and/or friends like you used to
- Having another kid
- Thinking “What the hell is wrong with us?”
- Not being as excited about the “firsts” as you were for the first
- Feeding and clothing another person
- Thinking “I hope my wife leaves me alone today”
- Saying the diapers can be re-used because you don’t want to run to the store
- Asking if the kids really require food
- Watching the savings account you complied for a house dwindle away
- Not going out without at least one kid on your hip except to work
- Not immediately running to the crying 2nd child as you did the first
- Watching the medical bills pile up
- Getting sick when prior to kids you weren’t sick for over 10 years
- Another friggin kid!
- Not caring if the kid farts or shits regularly
- What? Are there kids crying somewhere???
- Food….there better be enough for me
- Saying: “Damn, I am sorry babe but I have to work late”
- Telling the wife: “I know he is only 3 weeks old but he can feed himself if we teach him”
- Figuring out which kid doesn’t get attention today?
- Asking: “Do they really have to go to the doctor?”
- Hoping the kids doesn’t walk as it is one less thing to worry about
- Praying that the kid doesn’t talk as there is more than enough noise in the house
- Looking for the money you HAD in the savings account last year
- Having a wife that is losing her mind after being trapped in a small apartment with 3 little kids all day
- Sending your 2 oldest (which are only 6 and 4) to a private school because the public schools here blow
- Wondering how are we sending these kids to private school when we have NO MONEY
- Knowing the 3rd kid will not go to private school
- Hoping the wife doesn’t talk to me
- Hoping the kids forget that I am their father
- ANOTHER FRIGGIN KID IS ON THE WAY????????!!!!!!????
HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That my friends…..is FATHERHOOD!
…….and I wouldn’t change a friggin thing!
I love them with all of my heart!
Apr 20
She was a Virgin and Gave Me an STD!
My new friend Catherine over at Wink at Me honored me today by listing me as one of her favorite bloggers. However because she lost her virginity today, she passed on the illness to several other bloggers including me. She must have regret as only a woman scorn would make others pay for her transgressions! All kidding aside, I am honored and I thank you very much Catherine.
Now I must list 10 things that make me happy:
- Money – because I have none
- My family – my wife may read this and she will understand why family is #2
- Cats that have a low body temperature – you figure it out
- Music
- My couch
- Opie and Anthony – on XM 202
- My BlackBerry – Yeah I am one of them
- Fruity Pebbles – self-explanatory
- My blog – gives me a place to spew
- Roomy underwear – just because
I also think I am supposed to insert the picture below (I am secure in my manhood and have 3.7 kids so nothing can hurt me):
Look how pretty!
Next I have to present this award to other bloggers I enjoy (there are many but here is a short list):
- Wink at Me – My new fav
- Dad Unmasked – sorry dude but I do enjoy your blog and tweets
- Oh For Pete’s Sake – when she isn’t working 40 jobs and she is blogging she is awesome
- Why is Daddy Crying – just one of the best titles ever (fucker I wish I thought of it!)
- The Cheek of God – he is just sick
- Big Jugs – just dreaming
Now all of my favorites have just been awarded and are required to do the same. Shit…..if I have the STD….you do too!
Sorry…..not really
Apr 16
When A Memory is Better than the Reality
We have all had this happen to us. You remember something being the most amazing thing when you were a kid. It could be a movie, a video game, a certain food, woman, band, song or person. I have grown accustomed to being disappointed by these same things later in life. I have compiled some of the things I have been disappointed with as an “adult”:
- Old E (Old English 800)
- Tight Blue Jeans
- Mullets
- Nerds Candy
- Vinyl Records
- Lava Lamps
- Nintendo Games
In some form or fashion I really enjoyed these things as a kid or teenager but as an adult…..not so much. I don’t know what it was and what it is now but I have been disappointed time and time again when I tried to “recapture” some part of my youth.
My latest disappointment hit me harder than the rest. Recently I was browsing around on the web for music videos. I must back track a bit and say that having an older brother that was a head-banger left me no choice but to join the movement. As a kid and adult for that matter, I prefer some pretty intense music, the harder and heavier the better. So while searching online for various music videos I came across some stuff on I guy/group I liked as a teenager. In the mid-80’s nothing was more evil than this guy, King Diamond of the group Mercyful Fate. Kind Diamond was a
The Coolness I Remember
self-pronounced Satanist (no I do not worship the devil) and he had a vocal range that amazed me. His face was painted black and white with an upside down cross on his forehead. It was intense and I actually liked the music. As a kid of around 12 or 13 I couldn’t look at his face on the album cover as it would keep me up at night but I liked the music! I still like the music to be
A Special Holiday Record
honest. Anyway, this guy was the personification of evil and I thought it was cool to like him (I still like him but that is not the point). I was having all kinds of flashbacks as I watched YouTube videos of him and Mercyful Fate. I decided to search the web to see what he has been up to and disappointment struck!
I learned that Kind Diamond’s real name is Kim Bendix Petersen! Kim?….the son of Satan is “KIM “? Man what a blow. I continue reading and learn that he is now 55 years old and living in Texas! Originally from Denmark, he moved to Texas years ago. That in and of itself isn’t bad but being from northern Europe was part of the mystic because a lot of “Black Metal” bands came from Denmark, Holland and such. Now that I learned that the son of Satan has a girly name, I
An Average-Joe with Long Hair
begin to look for current pictures and find many of him without make-up and costume. Another disappointment because he doesn’t even have the evil tattoos…..not a single tattoo of any kind. WTF!! How much more can I take? I pressed on. The last blow to the head was learning that he is non-denominational! He doesn’t even believe in Satanism, Catholicism, Judaism or any organized religion. Holy shit……I was crushed. I knew his stage act was hokey and all but I really believed that he sang about things he believed in. Instead I learned that little stupid turds like me bought it, hook, line and sinker. Bastard!
Now that I learned the truth, I am just making believe that I never read and saw what I did. Instead I am thinking like I did at 14 and he is the most evil son of Satan I ever saw. Long live the King!….and don’t worry about my soul because my kids go to Catholic School and my wife and son attend mass every week so I go to heaven by proxy!
Apr 12
Soft Toilet Paper…but I Suffer from HMA!
I want to start off by saying that if this post goes down as my legacy I would die a happy man.
This post has been long in the making. Every time I go into the bathroom to do my thing, I am fearful of what I may encounter or what others may encounter after I leave but that isn’t really the point. This fear carries over into every
A real man's worst fear!
restroom, lavatory, Johnny on the Spot, locker room or rest stop I may enter. The fear of soft toilet paper gives me such anxiety that I cannot properly enjoy the relief I am about to feel. You see, no man alive should be forced to use soft toilet paper.
I want to start a movement. A movement that will force all toilet paper retailers to place soft toilet paper in the same isle as tampons and feminine napkins (see I do have class!). Why do I feel this way you may ask? Because I (all men) have “HMA” or Hairy Man Ass and soft toilet paper and HMA do not mix well together. Women on the other hand do not suffer from HMA because they have SSWA or Soft Supple Woman ASS. This is why soft toilet paper should ONLY be offered in the same isle with all of their other sanitary needs (see classy again). It makes sense. An entire isle is dedicated to women in every supermarket, super retailer or large drug store but they are incomplete. They are missing the soft toilet paper selection! Why does it take me to figure this out? Don’t these companies have people to think about this shit?
When a man uses soft toilet paper things get left behind. I call these things a variety of names including the following:
- Cling-ons (my favorite)
- DB’s (DingleBerries)
That is more like it!
- Crunch and Munch
- Butt Dumplings
- Butt Fruit
- Raisinettes
- Wrecking Balls
- Left-Overs (another favorite of mine)
Who the hell wants that? Look, I am all for hygiene and comfort but if my wife doesn’t stop buying the soft stuff there will be problems. My house currently has 2 men in training with a 3rd rumored to be along the way. My hope is that they will experience a world in which only hard, rough and
I have shaved my ass once or twice but the razor burn was too much
non-shredding toilet paper graces the crappers they visit. I wouldn’t mind a loose-leaf notebook left next to every toilet or a roll of industrial/commercial grade toilet paper or the thin paper stuff in the fast food joints or even paper towels. In any case, the soft stuff sucks!
I want to start the revolution…..”No more Cling-ons”. I do want to state for the record that we cannot get rid of the wet wipes as nothing cleans better than those!
Are you with me?
Apr 11
My Social Life
I have to admit that I thought I would be up to writing and posting more than I have been but I’m not so go screw! Kidding of course. A lot has happened since my last post but nothing worthwhile that would get me off of my lazy ass to write about so I’ll digress.
However I did return myself to Twitter. I see it like this: so many of us work and have family that socializing in person has grown to be a burden whether it be financially or mentally. I haven’t really spoken to my friends in years. Once I got married and started creating little lives with my wife, I have no extra time or desire to actually go out or invite people over for that matter. For me, socializing online is good enough. I enjoy seeing other parents tweeting the same thoughts and feelings I have, whether good or bad. I have developed some “relationships” with some fellow Tweeps and look forward to seeing what they are up to on a daily basis. Maybe I relate to them, think they are a pisser or both. Either way socializing online is fun, passes time and diverts me temporarily from the craziness of life.
Now all of the people I developed “relationships” with online could all be serial killers, social deviants, misfits, heads of a satanic cult (if you are let me know as I am certain I have good music on hand to play in the back-round of your next
I think I know that Tweep!
sacrifice), creepy guy or creepy chick, part of the plot to socialize America, part of the right-wing movement to lessen government (see how I played both sides of the fence there?), pyromaniacs, cat ladies, obsessed with porn guy (maybe that should be removed) or maybe the slight chance that you are all decent people…but I doubt that!
I felt the desire to write something and this is what I came up with so take it and like itJ. As I say at work: “A big ship turns slowly” or “Something this big takes time to build up momentum”. None of this means anything but I will try to start posting more often.
Cool tweeps to follow on Twitter and their blogs (if they have one):
@ezmomm – blog: “Oh For Pete’s Sake!!”
This image is better than the creepy Pied Piper with mice or kids following!
@ladywanderlust – blog: “A Blogoddess’ Tale”
@dadunmasked – blog: “dad unmasked”
@lilmommasmom – blog: “Worldofmomma” - BTW get on her ass to write more
@tysdaddy – blog: “The Cheek of God”
@droofer
@rammer88
@havingtwinsnow – blog:”Having Twins Now”
@whyisdaddycrying – blog:”Why is Daddy Crying?”
Look if I follow them there is something cool about them so check out their stuff and all of the other tweeps I follow too!
I am also working hard in the Real Dads Lab to develop a platform in which I can socialize with my family without
Where the magic happens
really being there. The look and feel of my presence while I am actually living in a shack in the wilderness of Montana or Wyoming all by myself (I know that sounds familiar but I am not an evil genius…genius yes….evil…well maybe a little). Until then I am wiring my house with LCD monitors and looking for the perfect portable unit for my family, this way I can Skype them while I hide in a box on a street corner…again all by myself!
Feb 25
What Did You Expect? These are Wild Animals!
I must start by saying that I feel awful that Dawn Brancheau, a veteran animal trainer, died while performing at 
SeaWorld with the Killer Whale named Tilikum. As most of us know, this happened at a show being performed in front of hundreds if not thousands of people. SeaWorld is now saying that Dawn’s long pony-tail got stuck in the mouth of Tilikum and the whale dragged her underwater accidentally. Eyewitness reports claimed that the Killer Whale seemed agitated the entire show and once in its grasp, Dawn was thrashed about and pulled under water.
A Killer Whale can weigh up to 22,000lbs and measure as much as 32 feet long. This whale is a top tier predator! Tilikum weighs 12,000lbs and has caused two deaths previous to this. There was/is a standing order by SeaWorld that the trainers cannot be in the water with Tilikum due to its past track record. Why the hell would they continue to use this predator in shows? It makes no sense. Tilikum was one of three whales blamed in the death of a woman in 1991 when she fell into the water and another death in 1999 that was the result of “horseplay”.
Does anyone remember the two big cases in which chimpanzees attacked people? In 2005 Moe the Chimp attacked its previous owners with the help of other chimps. These chimps mutilated Mr. St. James Davies, chewed off his face, foot, fingers and genitals. He survived but is of course seriously disfigured. Most recently, the case of Charla Nash of 
Connecticut made headlines in 2009. While visiting her friend and a pet chimp named Travis, Charla was attacked and suffered similar injuries to Mr. Davies. This case really struck a chord when the 911 tapes hit the media. Travis’ owner was telling the 911 operator that Travis was killing her friend and eating her. Late last year Ms. Nash went on the Oprah Winfrey Show and revealed her mutilated face.
I am not an “animal rights” activist or anything or the sort. I eat meat, wear leather (don’t ask but only on special occasions), would buy my wife fur, if I had the money, and view animals as a valuable resource, if it provides us with something. However keeping wild killer animals as pets or show performers is just ridiculous to me. Case after case of animal attacks are seen (there is even a show “When Animals Attach”), heard, read in the news, and people just don’t get it. These animals do not belong in our homes or in cages/pens/aquariums for public spectacle. I feel bad for these people but do we actually expect anything less than people getting mauled? I drives me crazy when people act surprised when it happens. Trust me, I will never have a pet that can kick my ass never-mind eat me! Why does this not cross the minds of certain people? Is it the thrill? I don’t know. What I do know is that Tilikum, Moe, Travis and many others have either killed and/or severely injured people and something like this will happen again, sooner rather than later.
Feb 21
It Starts at an Early Age
Recently my mother gave me a newspaper clipping from when I was in the first grade. The picture is of me, painting a pumpkin with my teacher. I remember when I came across this picture a few years ago and my father told me a story but I will get to that in a minute.
I feel the need to tell all of you that I was not the most well behaved child. I wasn’t necessarily a bad kid but I challenged everything my parents said or did. If they put me in my room and told me not to come out, I would stand at the threshold and yell the following: “I am in my room….I am in my room”. My Aunt and Uncle tell stories of me getting yelled at and told to go upstairs (which meant my room) but I would lie at the top of the stairs on my stomach and watch everyone through the stair railing. When I got soap in my mouth I would of course cry but when it was said and done I would say that I liked the taste of soap. You kind of get the point by now….right?
Come on...you can figure it out
Ok, so while I was in the first grade I talked a lot. I remember writing “I will not talk in class” over and over again but it didn’t work. I also remember not stopping when I was told to stop. So when my father told this story, I didn’t doubt it one bit. He told me that I was always in trouble with Miss Brown. My parents were told that I was placed in time-out very often. It got to be so much that my parents (maybe just my mother) were called into class to meet with Miss Brown. After they learned of all of the things I did to earn time out, Miss Brown told them that time-out was under her desk. Under her desk…kind of an odd place even by 1981 standards. Miss Brown proceeded to tell my parents that she thinks that I liked time-out because she caught me looking up her skirt. That’s right! I was catching a peek at the earth momma muff of my first grade teacher. I couldn’t believe it when I was told. I remember being under the desk but not that often. I do remember seeing what I thought was Jiffy Pop in my teacher’s underwear but I am unsure why. However when I look at the picture of my teacher, it all makes sense. She was hot and I knew it even way back then.
The sad part for me is that I was as old as my son Nicky is now. I cannot imagine him getting in trouble just to look up his teacher’s skirt. I don’t remember being such a pervert then but I guess it starts at an early age. I just cannot see my son acting like that.
I broke the man code by telling you what it means when a man asks another man “Would you?” so don’t be surprised at this. I purposely acted out just to sneak a peek. Even today, as an “adult”, I do things with the hope that it will result in something sexual and I get rewarded often. The 3 kids with 1 on the way are testimony to that.
Maybe I should request a new reward…….
Planning my next move......
Feb 13
Real Dad’s Apology
Ok blog, I apologize as I have truly neglected you for some time now. Things have been really crazy lately. Between home and work, I don’t know if I am coming or going and of course my house has once again been a cesspool of germs and other such things. Shit… since I wrote “Fatherhood Means Someone is Always Sick” my kids and wife have been sick, twice. First it was the stomach flu with puking for 3 or 4 days then it was severe colds followed by an ear infection (I think) and now a possible urinary tract infection in the mix. I have also been working long days including my travel, I have been out of the house an average of 12 hours per day. So as you can see I have my hands full.
There it goes!
The wife’s pregnancy is going well, I think. We really do not talk about it much. We both know she is pregnant and due in July so what is the point? We just paid the $2000.00 deductible so that my wife can deliver the baby with the help of a doctor and in the hospital rather than in my back yard with me, a set of salad tongs, a blind-fold and a garden hose. Seriously, why is my 401K important for our retirement when I need to draw on it to pay for my kids now? Never-mind the $490 dental bill for the kids…that’s right $490! My wife figured the kids all needed the special fluoride treatments not covered by our dental insurance. I know the teeth they currently have will all fall out of their skulls but possessing strong teeth is so important (you know if I had my way I would have told the dentist to scratch my balls rather than give my kids fluoride treatments) but the wife handles those matters. You know my thoughts on money as I told you when I wrote “A Father and Husband in a Bad Economy”. We also talked of her pumping breast milk rather than buying formula this time around. I don’t like the thought of a machine or another person albeit my child, latching onto my wife but we have to do what we have to do. If this kid turns out to be smarter and healthier than the others, I will be pissed!
As you can see blog, I have a lot on my mind. I don’t know if I am coming or going. We also have to move but I don’t have the energy or the motivation to begin that process. Since the schools around here suck, we send our kids to private school. No, we cannot afford a private school but it is far better than the public school option in this town. Once I get motivated, I will begin to look for a place to live that is closer to my job but it must have a good public school system. Don’t you fret blog as everyone keeps saying it will work-out one day soon. I am still waiting as I have heard that before.
I guess I am done for now as I have thoroughly pleaded my case. You are truly a bright spot in which I like to visit and share my thoughts but times have been tough. After all, you are just another thing that needs attention and nurturing and I have been tapped out lately. I do promise to pay more attention and to try to post more often. However if I don’t…….KISS MY ASS! This is my blog therefore my rules!
My Blog - My Rules!
Jan 23
Polygamy: Is It Worth It?
My wife and I are into the show “Big Love” and we watch it together every week. Before I actually saw the first episode, I thought to myself that polygamy sounded like a great life. One man and multiple women; how can that be bad? Well…I really thought about this and I have the pros and cons all figured out.
Cons
- More than one woman in your life
- To many children
- You need a lot of money to maintain the family
- You have to lie to everyone outside of your home(s)
- Multiple women asking when will you be home from work
- Multiple women telling you how hectic their day was while you worked
Should I enter the world of polygamy?
- More than one woman in your life (oops already said that)
- Multiple women telling you that you got fat
- You will need a bus or a convoy of cars when you go on vacation
- You will probably be the #1 recipient of Xanax
- You may also be the #1 recipient of Zoloft
- More than likely you will have a lot of friggin children
- Never have time to yourself (like that matters after you have 1 kid and 1 wife)
- You increase the chances of having an ugly child
- More than one woman in your life (sorry)
- A house/houses full of hormonal women
- You have to figure out how many of your wives will work and how many will stay home to raise the kids
- Apparently there is a hierarchy amongst the wives which causes competition (that may be a pro)
- If you go “old school” your wives will dress like it is 1850
- If they dress like it is 1850 they probably won’t be shaving much
- Because of the women’s movement of the early 20th century and child labor laws, I will still have to cook or clean something
You get then point, I hope. There are many cons to the whole idea of polygamy but there are some benefits:
Pros
- Sex with multiple women
Well that is really it! I think the pros out-weigh the cons! We men are such simple creatures.
In reality, I think it would be a good idea only if I can be the undisputable religious “prophet” of a mass amount of people. That would be cool. I can imagine being the supreme ruler of a community of people that just worship me in every way. I would just be the coolest leader. I would be sure that all of the women show me affection and swoon over everything I do or say. The men would just have to step aside when they see me. Children would not be allowed to look at me of course, unless I speak to them which would be rare. I would allow people to do whatever they wanted as long as it didn’t interfere with my own prosperity. Wow…I would be awesome. Is anyone willing to join me? Hahahaha
Ok enough of me dreaming, my 3 year just pissed all over my bathroom!
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