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By Real Dad, September 18, 2009 10:19 pm

Last week my wife came home after spending a weekend with the kids at a relative’s house and once the kids went to bed, she announced a revelation of sorts to me. She told me that she felt that she was too easy on the kids and that I have become numb to the point in which I do not react (meaning be a parent). This came after she realized that the kids get away with far too much misbehaving, including not listening to either of us and acting out of control. I am not sure of exactly what brought this major change about but I was not going to question why she felt this way, as this is the way I have felt for some time!

So we began the following:

• None of the kids are allowed to leave the kitchen table until all of us have eaten
• Once we put them down to bed, they are not allowed to come out of their rooms or talk to each other from the doorway
• They get one warning and if they continue the inappropriate behavior we send them to a long time out (longer than the 1 min per year of age rule she has followed for the last 3 years or so)
• If they break the rules we set forth they do not get their desert, cannot watch television (we have certain times of the day in which we allow them to watch a show or two), they do not get to play with their favorite toy or other such suitable type punishment for the crime
  

  All for One and One for All!

I know that these are things that may sound automatic to most or at least some parents but Carrie and I have had a fundamental difference in our parenting techniques. If it were my way it would be something like this:

• When I say no I mean NO and for the most part they do not deserve a reason. On some occasions a reason may be warranted but it is age and instance specific
• Not everything in our house is for them to play with
• I do not have to spend every minute in the presence of the kids when I am home
• Rules and boundaries have to be established early
• The kids must put the current toy away before taking out another toy

Her way would be something like this:

• No is not something that should be said often and kids often need to be given a reason so that they comprehend why you may say no
• It is not a big deal to let the kids play with something if it is not going to hurt them or others
• Being a parent means spending as much time as you can with them when they are young and want your attention because one day they will not want it
• A house with kids is supposed to have toys all over
• Rules and boundaries have to be loose and can be changed on a case by case basis

As you can imagine, Carrie thinks that I am too strict and I think she is too easy. Over time we have let our house become a zoo. The kids don’t listen, run around like maniacs and do not respect property or material items. Now let it be known that Nicky, Jordan-Rose and Corey are great kids. They are sweet, friendly (most of the time) and have great manners. What has been allowed to happen in our home is equally our fault, from a parenting perspective. We let many things get in the way and we choose the easier way to deal with things which was to not deal with them at all, in most cases.

Carrie is in a tough situation and I respect her and love her dearly for what she goes through on a daily basis. She is home alone for 10-12 hours with 3 small children while I work. By the time I come home from work, the kids are either just getting ready for bed or already in bed. The majority of the parenting lies on her however we are their parents equally. Carrie has made some changes to her parenting technique and the benefits are already showing in the kid’s behavior. It also helps that Nicky is at school all day and Jordan-Rose attends Pre-K 3x per week for 3 hours each time. Bedtime is much less hectic and once they go to bed, they have been staying there and she has been telling me that dinner is much calmer and becoming a pleasure rather than a chore.

Now I have to work on being a little less uptight and more involved in the daily lives of my family. How I will accomplish this is the dilemma since my job requires a lot of my time. I guess for now, I will follow my wife’s lead as I clearly see a difference in the kids just after one week!

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By Real Dad, September 14, 2009 8:57 pm

Ok..so in my last post I said that I would do everything possible to finish by noon yesterday so I can sit in front of the TV and spend the day watching football. I was certainly done by noon and even had time to get some additional things done for Carrie. I got all of my little snacks ready and made sure the beer was cold.

First, I watched the pre-game show then dosed off for an hour (I was awake at 5:30 to finish the floor) during the 1:00 games. It’s now about 2:30 and the only thing I can think of is the 4:00 Giants game! WOOO HOOO all hyped up and starting to fidget around a bit…..then the phone rings. It was Carrie calling to tell me that she would be home in about 30 minutes! DAMN..DAMN….DAMN! Just in time for the Giants game.

Needless to say, I did not watch my game in peace. I did not even attempt to watch the 2nd half! Just goes to show you…..IF IT SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT PROBABLY IS! A lesson my parents taught me many years ago….and I forgot!

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By Real Dad, September 10, 2009 10:23 pm

Fatherhood has screwed up so many of my plans for life and I can deal with it for the most part BUT Sunday is football day! I remember a time when I would wake up, maybe get out of bed, maybe even shower and then spend the day watching football, uninterrupted. There were times when I would even meet my buddies at the local bar, drink a lot of beer, eat a ton of appetizers and watch multiple games on multiple televisions while some hot young waitress asked me if I needed a refill for my Sam Adams pitcher. What happened?

Where did my FOOTBALL SUNDAYS go?

Oh yeah, FAHTERHOOD happened! Now I must admit that Nicky is a huge football fan at the tender age of 6 but he does lose interest by half-time then becomes annoying.  Jordy and Corey are just annoying and of course Carrie launches a preemptive strike on Saturday by saying “I am not spending the day watching football tomorrow”, without fail. Now I am not a fan that can recite stats or tell you the schedule for every team in the league but I just believe that Sunday is a day of football along with a big macaroni dinner! There is hope for me this Sunday! My wife will be taking the kids away for the weekend to attend her cousin’s baby’s christening while I stay home to “lay down a new kitchen floor”. YOU CAN BET  YOUR ASS that I will do everything I can to finish that floor before 12 noon on Sunday.

Wish me luck….

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By Real Dad, September 8, 2009 10:29 pm

The Face on an Angel but the Mind of...something else!

Jordan-Rose (Jordy) just turned four in May and it has been both GREAT and well….NOT SO GREAT. From the time she was born she was certainly a handful. Soon after birth she was diagnosed with “Acid Reflux”, lucky us. I quickly learned that “Acid Reflux” was a synonym for many words, including pain in the ass! Formula after formula after formula before we found one that she could keep down. In between the crying fits she was a great baby. She laughed, played and giggled a heck of a lot. As Jordy got a little older, Carrie began to become concerned with her lack of sounds and then speech and that is where the difficulties kicked into high gear. I of course was telling my wife that she is over-reacting and that my daughter was fine. You see, Fatherhood began wonderfully with Nicky, so I figured things would turn around with Jordy. WRONG!

Our pediatrician recommended an “Early Intervention” evaluation. After a few home visits by the county specialists, she was diagnosed with Apraxia of Speech or Speech Apraxia (depending on your therapist, doctor or reference material). Basically what this means is this: she has a disorder but they really do not know what causes it, why it happens or what to call it and so on but she was not able to formulate simple sentences although she could say each word individually. We immediately began speech therapy through Early Intervention and they soon realized that she may benefit from some sensory therapy and recommended another evaluation for her sensory issues. She was then diagnosed with Sensory Integration Disorder (she had problems with loud noises, touching of her face or hair and any other type of contact such as snug clothing). We began taking her to a Neurologist in addition to the multiple therapists coming to our home.

After one year of therapy, Early Intervention stopped. Here in NJ they only provide services until the age of three. We had to begin looking for another avenue of therapy that we could afford. We found it at a local college. They have a program in which students work with children as the professor oversees the session. We paid $500 for one month of speech therapy (4 sessions) but it didn’t work out. Jordy was misbehaving so much during the sessions that they were never able to focus on the speech however we noticed that her speech was greatly improved, go figure. We now had to begin the process of having Jordan-Rose qualify for Special Services through our town’s Board of Education. All of those that have gone through this then you understand and those that have not had this experience, I hope you never do. It is a painfully agonizing ordeal. At least in our experience, the way the town handles the parents is a disgrace. The social worker we had was rude, unprofessional and not sympathetic to us at all. The BOE had evaluated our daughter themselves and found no such disorders, as previously diagnosed by several other doctors and therapists. They denied our request for Special Services so we hired a really expensive attorney that specializes in this field. She required a $6000.00 retainer and we paid it without hesitation because this is our daughter. That is when I realized that Fatherhood is the most expensive endeavor I have ever embarked upon

My Jordy!

.

During this ordeal we began to see unbelievable improvements in Jordy’s speech and sensory development, keep in mind that she did not receive therapy for some time but Carrie was working with her everyday. After many heated debates and calm discussions at times, we decided to have Jordy re-evaluated by doctors and therapists at a children’s hospital that has an entire department devoted to children with special needs. In a nutshell, we were told that they did not believe that Apraxia of Speech or Sensory Intergration was an issue. They felt that she was just a “difficult” child…at times. Now Carrie and I have matching spinning heads!! What the hell do we do? We sat back and thought about this, meanwhile our attorney is butting heads with the school on our behalf. We fought the school for a re-evaluation and they denied it. After more legal battling, our attorney was able to get the BOE’s attorney to grant us our request for re-evaluation. They recommended a Neurologist that is supposed to be the best in this part of the state. Our attorney researched this claim and found that this doctor was very highly recommended across the board.  His evaluation was right in line with the children’s hospital, no diagnosis of any disorder. AAAUUUGHHH!

So now we pull the plug with the attorney and receive the remainder of our retainer. We hired a therapist to come to our home and help, not only Jordy but us in dealing with Jordy as well. This continued for several months until we could no longer afford that! So now we are at a point were Jordy has to be enrolled in Pre-K classes. We skipped the 3-year old session and waited for the 4-year old session which she begins next week. Thankfully the teacher and her aide are familiar with my daughter and all of our concerns. She was Nicky’s Pre-K teacher and had many interactions with Jordan, even allowing Jordan to participate in a morning and afternoon class. She assures my wife that things will not be as difficult as we imagine.

Jordan is an remarkably sweet girl with a massive stubborn streak. She can be completely loving  one moment to all of us and then the next moment punching her brother in the back. Tonight I witnessed her having a stare down with my wife. Jordan walked around the kitchen table hitting everyone because we were all talking. When Carrie raised her voice at Jordan asking her to stop, Jordan lowered her eye brows and just stared at her. Carrie starred back, not wanting to break and let Jordy win. After several quiet and tense moments, Carrie broke and yelled at Jordan to leave the kitchen but not before she was to apologize to everyone there. Jordan apologized and stormed out. She later returned to tell Carrie that she is the best Mommy! WOW….I will refrain from my next comment.

We are eager for her to begin school, on many levels. She can use the structure and social interaction (interaction not including her 2 brothers). We learned a lot through this ordeal and respect every parent that has a child with special needs. It is not an easy road but we can say that we are satisfied with the latest diagnoses but how do you really know which is correct when multiple professionals tell you two different things? I guess it comes down to knowing your child. Stick with you gut feeling and if you are not getting what you think your child deserves, keep fighting!  Fatherhood, Motherhood and Parenthood is not about us as fathers or mothers, it is about the children we choose to create.

Do you have a similar story? If you do and would like to share, please do so. Maybe we can all help other parents going through similar situations.

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By Real Dad, September 4, 2009 9:29 pm

Here it is folks, the last weekend of summer. A time for family to spend one more weekend  grilling. This week has been a tremendously tough one and the weekend is eagerly anticipated! This past week I transferred to the company headquarters (60 miles away), worked at least 10 hours each day and Carrie had a difficult week with the kids which included Corey having a tooth extracted. Ouch! He was restrained and given gas to sedate him so it turned out not as horrific as my wife thought it would be. In this case, it paid off having sleep apnea because she told Corey the mask at the dentist is just like the one Daddy wears to bed. He bought it however this Daddy wishes his mask was like the one Corey used at the dentist! I wish I had a funny video to show everyone of how “stoned” he was but I wasn’t there and Carrie doesn’t think like me….sorry.

I am hoping the weather holds up this weekend as our weekend is planned to be spent in Long Island with my wife’s family. Lil’ Papa took Nicky and Jordy with him yesterday so we are meeting them tomorrow after I do somethings around the house. There is just not enough time during the week!

Next week is school…..YEH! I cannot wait for school. I already posted my feelings on the start of school so I will not say it all again but the feelings are bitter sweet. I will be broke and penniless soon as my kids go to private school and we cannot afford it by any means but my wife will get a break which means I get a break. I will let you read between those lines.

The school system in my town sucks for the most part and the district I live in has the worst school therefore we refuse to send my son there. We have to get out of this town but will not be able to do it any time soon. We made a request to the board of education asking them to allow my son to attend another school and we were refused so we kept him in the catholic school. Hopefully we can swing one more year but now Jordan is enrolled in Pre-K classes…shoot me now! We may be living in a cardboard box soon but if I still have my notebook and I can find a semi-clean alley behind a wi-fi location, I will be happy. Oh yeah…..as long as I have my wife and kids too! Was that believable?

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By Real Dad, August 29, 2009 1:58 pm

Washing Feet - The Simple Way

I hear splashing in the bathroom which we all know isn’t good when you have small children. I go into the bathroom to see what is going on because the last that I knew, Carrie was in there brushing her teeth.

Corey just felt the desire to place his feet (even though this shot is only one foot) in the toilet. I do not understand kid’s mentality to stick their feet in standing water whether it be puddles…or toilets.

Oh the joys of fatherhood!

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By Real Dad, August 28, 2009 8:54 am

This is how I feel about school NOW!

School time is quickly approaching here in NJ and this father cannot wait! Although I am not the one home with the children, I receive the result of my wife’s frustration.  This year Nicky will be in the 1st grade and Jordy will be in Pre-K classes 3 days per week. This is will be a well deserved break for Carrie. By the time school starts, Corey will not be taking Prednisone (read my last post for that one) and Carrie and Corey should have some quiet time together.

Having 3 children so close in age better pay off in the future because it is friggin tough right now! This house is filled with a lot of laughter, playful yelling, fighting, not-so-playful screaming, teasing, hitting, pushing and all of the other stuff that goes on between the father and mother……kidding of course. By the time I get home in the evening, my wife has been with the kids for about 12 hours all by herself, on most occasions. Needless to say, she is quite happy to have some reinforcement to help her but after working 10-12 hours myself, I am not always in the right mood to deal with the craziness.  We endure it well, I think.

For all of the mothers out there that chose to stay home and raise your kids: GOD BLESS YOU! This father couldn’t do it! I guess I could but I think I would need a daily dose of Valium or an equivalent (legal or other wise). I am certain that women are much better suited for raising children and I am not being sexiest here. I personally do not know many fathers, if any at all, that would choose to stay home but I know they exist because I follow their blogs. For now, I prefer working my ass off every day; at least I am not not surrounded by loud and messy kids all of the time even though I am speaking of my own kids. I am the hunter/gatherer! My bounty may not always be what my wife would hope for but she said “I do” so she is stuck!

This 35 year old father is off to work now. A 45 minute ride, all by myself with some old school Metallica playing through my MP3 player. That’s right, off to “work” or I should say: Off to a more peaceful place for the day! My blog, my rules!

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By Real Dad, August 17, 2009 12:50 pm

Once a place of serenity......NOT ANY MORE!

As a father of three kids 6 years old and younger, I do not have many places in which I can go to escape the craziness in my home. There is 1 place that I go in which I truly wish not to be bothered and that is the bathroom! Why is it that any one of my kids can walk out of the bathroom and as soon as I walk towards it they yell: “I’m not finished!” or “I forgot to wash my hands!”? Is it some built-in auto response or a genetic code yet to be mapped?

This morning I was in the bathroom shaving. My 4 year old daughter, Jordan or Jordy as she is called by her brothers, was knocking on the door ever so softly. I ignored her until she began to knock louder. My wife is in the back round yelling: “Jordan your father is in the bathroom, leave him alone!” My response was a simple “Jordan, you have to wait until I come out”. This was not what she wanted. She knocked again and again and began calling me. Finally I opened the door with a stern “WHAT?”. Her response was a simple “Hi Daddy”. To be honest, I was mildly aggravated and slightly amused.

I just don’t understand. This same thing happens with my 2 boys as well. Believe me, my bathroom is nothing special. I don’t have anything fancy or fun. I just want to do whatever it is that I have to do in peace but apparently nothing is off limits with kids of this age!

Once I lost control of the bathroom, I knew I was done. A father’s place of serenity has turned into another KIDS PLAY AREA!

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By Real Dad, August 16, 2009 12:14 am

Since I entered fatherhood on July 23, 2003, I have thought back a lot to my childhood. I always saw my father as larger then life. I never looked at him as a person; he was my dad. He was the guy that taught me things, played with me, helped me, yelled at me, punished me (and I deserved the yelling and the punishments), hugged me and kissed me. I never thought about: what he liked to do, what kind of music he listened to, who his friends were and/or his childhood. He was just DAD!

I look at pictures from when I was a kid and I see my father then I say to myself “Holy crap! I am older then he was in this picture!” and I say that often. I get nostalgic and remember the times when my father was the top of the line; you just couldn’t get any better then that. As I grew older, I of course got to know him as a person and still saw the wonderful things but also had been given an insight into the not so wonderful. You know, the things that make us human.

Being a 35 year old father of 3, I look within myself. I remember being a kid and wanting to go fishing with my father, play Track-Ball (DO ANY OF YOU REMEMBER THAT?) with him and just looking up to him in every way. And I ask, How did he feel about himself?

My father, my son Corey (the youngest), and mother - taken about 1 week before my father died

I was not a perfect child and had my share of trouble. I listened to heavy metal (and still do!), had an awful mullet, wore flannel shirts and work boots, smoked and drank a few things I probably shouldn’t have at a young age, strolled in at 6:30 am after a night partying with the guys, hurt people’s feelings, lied to my parents, lied to some girlfriends but not my wife of course, and all of those other things that most guys do when they are young. I also wasted a lot of money on needless things, worked a few jobs that sucked, owned a few cool cars, was close friends with a lot of people I really do not see or talk to anymore and miss much of the freedom I once had.

None of these things matter to my kids. To them I am dad but all of those things make me the dad they know. I am the best man they know. I am the one they look up to and I am the one they see as “larger then life” just as I did with my father. I can still be all of those things I mentioned above but now, before all of that, I AM DAD!

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By Real Dad, August 14, 2009 6:23 pm

Being a father was something I really looked forward to for nine months. One night in July of 2003, my wife kicked me out of my bed for excessive snoring. She was ready to pop and in no mood to hear my house shaking snorts, grunts and gasps. So being the wonderful husband I am (I was actually annoyed but happy to leave the room after the six elbows to the side), I left the room for the comfy couch!

Here I am in lala land and I hear a faint voice saying “Mike, I think my water broke”. I jumped up and ran to the bed.

I placed my hand right in the middle of the spot and smelled my hand for pee because we all know pregnant women cannot always hold it. IT WASN’T PEE! So off we go to the hospital and yes we were all packed already. Fatherhood, here I come!

Once at the hospital, the anxiety really kicks in for me and my wife is not having contractions but since her water broke and she tested positive for strep, they begin to induce labor. Approximately 12 hours or more pass before she can have an epidural. After multiple epidural injections and a total of 22 hours of induced labor, my wife was instructed to push by the doctor. My wife begins pushing and her mother is in the room to help keep her calm. During the 2+ hours of my wife pushing, I am routinely asked if I want to venture out from behind the safety of the bed and sheets blocking my view to witness the birth of my child. I of course answered: “NO THANK YOU!” each and every time. Since my mother-in-law was allowed in the room, my wife really wasn’t the nasty mother giving birth but rather calm given the situation. She was truly unbelievable because by the time my son Nicholas was born, approximately 25 hours had past!

25 Friggin Hours!

As soon as my son is born they immediately laid him on my wife’s chest. They ask us for his name in which we quickly said “Nicholas Edward” (named after each grandfather) and my mother-in-law blurts out in the middle of this “Do you have a hat for this kid?”.  Ok…let me explain this: Since my son was in the birth canal so damn long and a suction cup was used, his head was misshaped with a big purple lump on top! Anyway, my wife is of course sweating and tired so my mother-in-law asks me to get my wife a towel wet with cold water. Unfortunately for me, the sink was located in such a position that I would have to walk across the front of the bed. I was not doing that so I began to move my wife’s bed away from the wall so I could squeeze behind it and my mother yells at me. I stated my case, she called me a few choice words and tells me to go the other way.

I thought about it for a few moments and said to myself “you can do this, just do not look anywhere but at the sink”. I began to walk slowly towards the front of the bed, keeping my eye on the sink to my left. As I round the corner of the bed, I see a blur of red and then I slip! In the middle of the slip, I noticed a steel tray on a table

Imagine 5x this amount, if you are not a father....Uuuggghhh

with what looked like grape jelly in it (it was of course the placenta). It looked like someone took a big bottle of jelly and emptied it into a baking pan.Yes, my knees got weak and a nurse grabbed me and helped me to the sink. I toughened up, got the wet towel and walked to my mother-in-laws side of the bed! Hahaha.

The doctor then notices that my son isn’t breathing easy and they rush him off to Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. It turns out that one of his lungs was surrounded by fluid causing difficulty breathing. The fluid disappeared after 2-3 days and he was released.

It was truly an amazing experience. I was as happy as any one man could be. I was of course ignorant of the fact that this little baby would be relying on my wife and me for everything.

Fatherhood had certainly entered my life, full force!